I had to smoke a little pot and have a cigarette outside in the freezing cold in front of the public library to get myself in the headspace to write this. see, i've written before countless times. "never thought i'd have to retire". i needed music, too, lyrics in the title as always. different places, different situations, different moods, different posts, but always with the song lyrics.

I'm disconnected from them and their world, i'm disconnected from everything but you. if you could read all i wrote before, you'd know i want to make a new language with you, one where we inherently understand each other's associations and memories and pains and colors and pictures. "me and my valuable friend". you'd know i want to show up at your doorstep in the pouring rain. you'd know you rip me to "pisces". you'd know i dealt with social anxiety and paranoid fear of judgment and feeling like i was thinking everything right and doing everything wrong since i was 5, or 4, or however old i am in whatever memory fueled whatever post: peanut butter crackers, a book about bats, knowing santa wasn't real, wondering about circuits and boards versus guts and black stuff. you'd know how when the ground moved it moved my memories, you'd know how when it didn't rain pinks and blues i felt it and felt the wet and the cold, you'd know about the drums of war that pounded outside those walls while nonexistent FunBoyz chirped like birds at the windows ("don't squeak, bitch" i'd sing with anger and detachment). but you know anyway, if you're HER. just like i know. you'd know about the beacons i light for you, the ones you've looked for. maybe today the light will shine over your horizon.

"cue to your heart that is racing, stung by the look in your eye". fuck a song today, keep the album going. "what a surprise". i'm 6'1, 185, getting slimmer though like before, brown hair, eyes that gets complimented shifting from gray to blue to bluer still depending on where my thoughts and feelings are at, hands that define me and my face, wear a lot of black, always impeccably clean but bending my spine against my backpack, curling my toes compulsively and bending them backwards until i cry and twist trying to sleep, a dance of discomfort and discontent. i listen to a lot of music, mostly 80s and 90s new wave, post-punk, alt, goth. a lot of movies, 80s and 90s too, they live and total recall and big trouble in little china and batman and fight club. i dance a lot alone, i read a lot of books and carry them everywhere with me. in my backpack now is: the death of superman, nightblood, dune. i snap out of sadness sometimes to jam the fuck out to the TNG theme. i miss starcraft brood war.

"her younger sister had a blister where i kissed her on her thigh". this post will disappear and more will show up, over and over, it's a loop of reinvention and nostalgia melted together every morning. wake up, clean, organize, put away, walk in the blistering cold to mcdonald's, small coffee, smoke up, library computer pounding incessantly at the keys at my same spot everyday, read some books. the daytime is mine lately at least, even if the night is stuck in its own uncontrolled loop, standing in line and filing in and out like sheep, but at least it's not sleep deprivation psychosis hallucinations viewed always awake from the same lost benches at night in fucking Texas. NEVER GO BACK THERE. "slightly bemused by his lack of direction, hey you, hey you".

i am alone in this world. i see it differently than everyone else. i feel differently. i am against it all, against what is built, what is learned, what is taught, what is believed, what is obeyed. we aren't supermen even though we could be, we're not protectors. we're destroyers and usurpers. it's all wrong and we alone see it, i know you see it too. and i've always known you're out there. "makes no sense at all, things aren't what they seem".

i'll keep searching for you, keep waiting for you, half-forming you in my dreams. i'm sorry this all feels like bullet points, i'm trying to recapture so many different posts and so many different angles by which i framed things, and put them all here in something new instead of just copy pasting the same shit as before. trying to get my mind to move forward and change this picture with it. i'm not of hope today but i can still TRY, try to help you find me. find me. find me...

"we were tight but it falls apart as silver turns to blue"