i am intensely and infinity alone. i am disconnected. my earliest memories are of social anxiety, fear of judgment, and an insatiable, painful desire to watch it all burn down. even as a little kid it was obvious to me: roads and buildings were needless abominations, laws and teaching were painfully (they hurt my FUCKING BRAIN) obtuse and simple-minded, and preestablished systems of beliefs were idiotic, superstitious groupthink. why didn't anyone else see it? was i truly alone, the world's only living boy on a planet populated by autonomous robots, full of circuits and wires instead of guts and "black stuff"? or was i uninitiated, not yet assimilated by the BORG or some such? i wondered was there someone else out there, someone like me, someone who saw the world the way i do, someone to whom it seemed common sense to reject these "old ways", ways of living and thinking developed by people and cultures now dead and defunct, not even all the time on purpose or with any design reaching to a theoretical future, but instead built on whims. are YOU out there? do YOU exist? this is a BEACON i put here as always, hoping you'll find it and find me. at some point this YOU i search for, this compatriot and friend, became a love, a female, the girl of my dreams. i sort of see YOU sometimes, a half-formed image in my mind, something clearly beautiful i see through a dense fog or hazily remember from a dream that fades the longer i'm awake. certain physical features of YOU feel sort of "remembered" already. i sometimes see YOUR eyes, YOUR hair hairs. i sometimes smell YOU or hear YOUR voice. they're hard to describe, hard to define, hard to remember. and maybe i'm wrong anyway, maybe the expectations set by my daydreams are simply the result of certain imprints and impressions, i wouldn't hold you to some notion or standard, i know some of the daydreams may simply be a placeholder, a foggy one.

i wear a lot of black. i'm relatively clean-cut. 6'1, 185 lbs. but working toward getting back to my typical slimmer build. i don't have tattoos or piercings but i'm more fringe and counter-culture than anyone you know who does. i'm a punk rock FRASIER, an atheist and an anarchist and a pessimistic (not to be mistaken with cynical) contrarian. i love post-punk, new wage, alternative, goth EDM 80s music, NIN, THE CURE, WIPERS, SONIC YOUTH. i love STAR TREK TNG, THE SIMPSONS seasons 3-8 especially, TWIN PEAKS. i love KAFKA so much i still haven't read THE CASTLE and i've been saving it since high school so i still have something of his to look forward to reading, a la DESMOND on LOST holding off on reading that one DICKENS book. my writing style changes, my styles of punctuation and capitalization vary with mood and setting, i'm like that in MANY regards. i'm fluid but i promised my inner child i'd always stay angry. i love WATERSHIP DOWN, 80s DC comics, 80s NWA pro wrestling, STARCRAFT BROOD WAR.

i'm at the library and my whole life really fell apart the last few months and i just came back to where i used to call "home" but where i always wanted to run away from to find "home" but running away just made my life so fucking bad that coming back to the place i needed to escape from actually seemed logical compared to where i was at and what i was experiencing. i really need to talk to YOU now. i've waited half a lifetime and i'd wait forevermore but it just hurts so bad lately in the back of my head sometimes and deep in the pit of my stomach that whatever fucking magic there is in this universe i need to use it to weave a spell that makes this BEACON find you, be found by you.