when i was 5 on christmas eve my mom asked if i could "hear santa's sleigh bells" out my windows, up and away. i knew either she was manipulating me or else she was indoctrinated by the powers that be. i grew up wondering whether i was the world's only living boy living in a world of robots without free thoughts, full of circuits and wires instead of blood and guts and black stuff. or were they all brainwashed, a conspiratorial hive mind working to indoctrinate me too? were they just stupid? ever since then i've lived in a world alone, a perspective all my own outside of established belief systems. an umbrella of religious and political and philosophical beliefs covering everyone else, and me outside its blanket, out in the pouring rain. for nearly as long i've looked for another, some girl of my dreams, a connection that would cancel out the loneliness of alienation and isolation. i've spent much time looking, and much time still in self-imposed exile. i feel these days my heart is closed, longing to open it to this long lost siamese twin.

i seek not understanding of this world but constant exploration, enduring curiosity, childlike wonder. i will never stop looking for me, even in my final moments. still, i can only last so long alone. i am, human, a social creature still. i want to look at the world through your eyes, and you through mine. i want to learn your words. everything is lost in translation, to some extent. i say "car" and what comes to mind for you? certain memories, images, colors, all kinds of personal associations. i say one word and rather than think of what i associate it with, you think of what you associate it with. one word is miscommunicated, more still a sentence and beyond. i want to learn your words and you mine, to develop a language we both understand, to communicate with greater understanding than people typically do. i want to keep a diary of everything i learn about you, creating a timeline of your memories and experiences, a reference guide i can go back to so i can truly keep up with and memorize who you are and what you've done and where you've been. i never want to stop learning me and i never want to stop learning you.

i'm 6'1, 190. brown hair, blue eyes. i wear a lot of black. i don't have piercings or tattoos.

i read a lot of books and i watch a lot of movies and television shows and i listen to a lot of music. i love franz kafka and watership down and the lord of the rings. i love pee-wee's big adventure and batman and ed wood and they live and big trouble in little china. i love twin peaks and the simpsons and star trek tng. i love the cure and wipers and sonic youth and NIN. i also love old comics and old pro wrestling and certain old video games. i wish i had someone to play starcraft brood war with.

i believe we, humans, have overstepped our boundaries, overpopulated irresponsibly, and created a larger ecological footprint than we should have. we are destroying the planet. we are destroying plants and animals. we care more about the harm we do to each other than about the harm we do to everything else. we are self-righteous, megalomaniacal, and masturbatory. we think we're special. we could be caretakers and protectors, instead we're destroyers and usurpers. we could be like superman. i'm an atheist and an anarchist. i'm anti-everything and contrary and i have a dark defeatist absurdist sense of humor. i'm pessimistic, mistaken for cynical i think?

i'm experiencing dark days. i want to show up at your doorstep at night in the rain, i want you to rescue me out of the cold. i want to sleep like a lamb, safe and warm on your couch, as you pet my hair. i want to fall in love with you when our eyes meet. love is magical and when you find the one of your dreams i think you know. you're a song i'm hearing for the first time, a book i'm reading for the first time, a movie i'm watching for the first time, and i never want you to end.

"we are like the dreamer, who dreams and then lives inside the dream."

..."but who is the dreamer?"

this is a beacon. find me.