The title is supposed to say "zeno" but got autocorrected and I can't change it.

"What we do is secret." Hi. I'm Nathaniel. I'm searching for you. I'm drinking coffee at McDonald's until the library opens I've searched for you since I was 4 or 5. My mom, on Christmas Eve, asked if I heard Santa's sleigh bells outside the window and up in the sky. I knew there was no Santa and in that moment I wondered why she would lie to me. Was everybody lying to me, part of some giant conspiracy? Was everybody brainless, without thought, with circuits and wires instead of blood and guts? Was I the only living boy, or the only uninitiated one? So ever since I've waited for you. I've looked for you, like turning over rocks and finding bugs and dirt and leaves underneath. Sometimes I swear I find your traces, tracking you a few steps behind. Maybe I smell you for a second walking through someplace, maybe for a moment through the fog in my thoughts your face is seen, your features clear, before it dissipates and I can't quite remember it. Do you ever start to go from thinking to dozing off, come fully awake again, totally forget what you were thinking, struggle to remember it? Right now you're like that to me. This is a beacon, an attempt to summon you. If only I knew the magic words.

If you're looking for me too, say something. Anything. I think we'll kind of know. Whirlwind and flash, let's finally connect and experience the next part of life together.

I feel more like me today and this post communicates what I feel a little better. Still, anyway, here's a Frankenstein copy paste of my old posts:

"edit: I don't think I want to do this anymore 💔

Hi. My name is Nathaniel, I'm 38, white, 6'1, 180 lbs., brown hair, blue eyes. I will send a picture if we chat, I'm okay with my appearance and I believe instant and physical attraction is important.

I've posted before but recently it's been vague, purposely misleading, and inaccessible. I don't feel particularly wordy, expressive, or elegant right now, so forgive how boring and blunt this post is but know it's a fractional and uninspired depiction of how I truly or typically am.

I just got back to Charlotte two days ago? Having escaped persons and situations that were hell and have been quickly retroactively revealed as monsters. I don't have any friends here and feel like a foreigner even though this is historically "my home". I want to meet someone here but I'm open to anywhere within reason.

I am an atheist, an anarchist, hate culture and politics and religion, hate any established belief systems, hate modern human invention, think even the most proactive human "solutions" are trite and self-serving, think ideas of human self-importance and intelligence are masturbatory.

I like The Cure, Sonic Youth, Fugazi, The Wipers, NIN. Pee-Wee's Big Adventure, Batman '89, Ed Wood, They Live, Big Trouble in Little China. The Simpsons, Twin Peaks, Star Trek TNG, Mr. Robot. Watership Down, Dune, Lord of the Rings, Gravity's Rainbow, Franz Kafka. 80s NWA wrestling, 80s synth and goth and alternative and post-punk and new wave. 80s comics.

This post sucks. I'm just not in the mood. message me now. See me tonight. Tell me why you responded to me.

I posted earlier the stringent, maybe abbreviated, details about me. I didn't post what I want. So here:

I want to fall in love with someone immediately, the way you fall in love with a favorite book or movie before it's over. The way you don't want it to end, want it to go on forever and start again. I want a best friend. I am disconnected, totally. I don't see the world others see. I'm in a bubble nobody can get in, I want someone who's in a bubble too, whose bubble connects with mine. I want to get to know someone, their language. I associate a single word with many things. Say you say "car" or "mountain". It brings up associations in my brain, images, memories, definitions, colors. I hear what I would say if I was the one saying the word. I want to learn someone's words, their dictionary, their language. Combine our languages and truly know each other, see a combination of the worlds and truths we see. I want to understand them in a way that helps me better understand myself, the world, existence.

I want to truly connect with you."