This is going to be a VERY long post. You're under no obligation to read it. I don't expect most people to finish it. But to those few who will stick with me all that way through to the end of this post, I hope the evidence of my great effort here will give you some idea of how much energy I would pour into a relationship. I'm taking this very seriously. I am speaking now to that woman who wants something different, who has seen what's on offer in the world and finds it wanting, that woman who, deep in her heart, longs for a meaningful adventure on a different road. I've always been my own man, gone my own way, done things differently than society thinks I should. And to that woman who fits the above description I have some things to say. 

To begin with, I'm not one for beating around the bush, so I will state this plainly and upfront: I am looking for a wife. Not just a life partner. Not just a soulmate, but a wife--a wife not just in lifestyle but in name. If you're closed to the idea of legal matrimony, if "for better or worse, in sickness and health, unto death do we part," isn't a vow you someday intend to make and keep, I'm not for you. Marriage gets a lot of static these days; it's being called an outdated, useless, empty institution. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, of course. But I seek someone whose opinion aligns with mine, that the legal confines of marriage are an extension of the moral confines of monogamy, that the institution itself implies your level of commitment to a person is so strong you've made it legal, so that breaking it is that much harder. And I say all of this as a man who was married for 17 years. My marriage was very strange and, as it turns out, dysfunctional (I'll say more about that in private), but it did show me that the married lifestyle is for me. “There is nothing more admirable than when two people who see eye to eye keep house as man and wife, confounding their enemies and delighting their friends.” The Odyssey. Homer. Truth. I long for that. I long for monogamy. Seems like the whole world is going poly these days. You'll find implacable monogamy here. I believe monogamy provides the safest social environment a human can achieve. Within the confines of monogamy, where there is trust and security, a soul can relax and thrive. So, if marriage and monogamy aren't your bag, you should jump ship here.  

I suppose that should be followed by this: I am childfree and I intend to stay that way. The short of it is I don't like kids (but I like moms; figure that one out). I don't know how to interact with kids and I don't want to know. I'm not interested. They make me uncomfortable. So, again, if you're not committed to a quiet childfree life, you should jump.

With that out of the way, I guess I should share some things about myself.

ABOUT ME. I'm 5'6, brown hair, brown eyes, and slightly chubby of belly. I'm an INFP Slytherin. My birthday is November 22 (I actually turn 47 next month). I have three tattoos, two of them are Grateful Dead images (the Dead are my religion). I'm an extremely introverted hermit whose outlook borders on misanthropy. For the most part, I don't really like other people. I vastly prefer animals. And of animals, I vastly prefer cats. My cat Archie died a few months ago and it was a terrible loss for me. I suppose when I'm done mourning him I will get another cat. I'm an Anglophile, a pluviophile, and a lover of grey, gloomy weather. The sun is my enemy. I work in the writing/publishing industry, and my job is 100% remote. I'm non-religious (atheist), utterly apolitical (most Deadheads are). I'm horrifically profane and I don't have much use for social restrictions. I am very well-read. I love history (I have a BA in it) and documentaries (historical, science, true crime) and comedy (Louis CK, Jim Jefferies, Ricky Gervais, Dave Chappelle) and Xbox (Prey, Portal, QUBE, Talos Principle, Little Nightmares) and binging shows (British crime, horror, drama) and books (Stephen King, Ken Follett, George RR. Martin, JK Rowling) and old movies from the 40s and Harry Potter and Star Wars and LOTR and traveling and being a homebody/hermit. I LOVE going to restaurants. I play guitar and piano and used to be in bands, 25 years ago. I love grocery stores and get absolutely giddy in them. I love to cook and I love women who love to cook. I'm at home 90% of the time and I'm just fine with that. I live a very quiet, settled, boringly predictable life, and again, I'm just fine with that. I sowed all my oats as a young man and now I'm ready for domestic peace and relaxation. Some ancient Greek playwright said the good and wise lead quiet lives and the man was spot on. I'd rather have a book and roaring flames in the fireplace than all the diversions of Babylon.

I think I can divide the many facets of character and personality into three main categories under which everything else is found:

1. The intellectual side
2. The goofy side
3. The carnal side

Let me say a bit about each.

THE INTELLECTUAL SIDE. I love the philosophical disciplines. I love debating weighty topics. I love science and history and theology and fine art. Deep discussions about these or any such topic bring me to life. I myself am a published author and I have appeared on radio stations debating religion vs. atheism. I love to ponder the universe and the meaning of life and I take great pleasure in asking profound questions and then searching for the answers. I'm an extraordinarily curious fellow, and my pursuit of knowledge drives much of what I do.

THE GOOFY SIDE. I'm a lot of fun. It's easy for me to make people laugh. And I myself love to laugh. I can be playful and mischievous and cheeky. My wit has sometimes been called acerbic. I often present as a curmudgeonly, grumpy old crab, but those who get close to me and get to know me deeply find there is a sweet, lovable goofball beneath the grumpy curmudgeon. My banter is usually centered around my wit, and some people cannot keep up with it.

THE CARNAL SIDE. I'm absurdly sexual. This isn't to say I'm not vanilla, because I think I err on that side, but the carnality of my character is undeniable. Perhaps sensual is the right word. I'm a notorious ass man and much of my sexuality is centered around my butt fetish (the only fetish I have). If we are in a relationship, I WILL worship your butt. Daily. And I will never be able to keep my hands off you. That you're wanted by me is something you'll never be in doubt of, I assure you. To say that I drip with carnality even in my sleep is an understatement. Gandhi said he who is possessed by carnal desire is lost. Yeah, lost with his face between his wife's breasts. To be lost that way to to be found, I say.

Before I move on to the sort of woman I'm seeking, I need to say a few more things about my life and my situation. First, let me say that I endured horrific abuse as a child. Some of the things I experienced are almost unspeakable. And yet, my abuser, who happens to be my 81-year-old mother, is very sick with Alzheimer's. She currently lives with me as she needs close care. This is not an easy situation for me. I do everything I can to look after her, and since my sister lives in Europe, it all falls on me. But with our history and with the memories of all she did when I was little, I sometimes find myself struggling with my mental health. People ask me why I let my abuser live here, why I care for her, and the only answer I have is that I feel it's the right thing to do. It's not about what she deserves, it's about what I can live with. So here I am, looking after the woman who damaged me irrevocably when I was young. That damage led to a lot of turmoil in my life. For many years I was a very messed-up person, and I made life decisions based on that mess. I say this because I by no means want anyone to think I'm some saint. The truth is, for the first half of my life, I wasn't a very good person. The ironic part is that I thought I was. But it took me losing everything before I could finally look in the mirror and admit I needed help and therapy. Which I received. That damage has also given me a lifelong battle with terrible, debilitating anxiety. Medication and therapy have helped, but the anxiety will never fully go away. I say all of this so that I'm not misrepresenting myself. I have worked VERY hard on myself and I've striven to get to where I am today. But I'm not perfect and I come with issues, as do we all. Marylin Monroe said it best: “I can be selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.” But she also said if you can make a woman laugh you can make her do anything... so I don't know.

Now, with all that done, let me muse on the partner I'm looking for.

THE SORT OF WOMAN I WANT. (This part is going to be tricky because these days men have to be very careful about what they say. So I should state upfront that the woman I'm about to describe here is just what works for me, I'm not saying ALL women should be this way. I can only speak to my own preferences.)

I want a woman who is as introverted as me. Someone who prefers the quiet life. A nerd. I tend to be drawn to shy women who have universes to explore for those who are patient. I want a woman who will be my best friend, my total companion, my confidante, my boo, my lover, my partner in all areas of life. I want a woman who isn't right unless she's being cuddled. I want a woman who needs me and who herself wants to be needed. I want a woman who will take care of me, because I will take care of her. I know, in the end, everyone has to take care of themselves. But when life gets hard or when my tanks are empty or my love language is going overlooked, I want someone with me who will tend to me the way I will tend to her. We have each other's back. We spend a lot of time together. We're always at home, living very domestic, comfortable lives. I want a woman who will do the work of a relationship, because I will do that work. I want a sweet, loving, caring, deep-hearted, woman. Perhaps not traditional, per se, but a woman who isn't afraid to wear a dress now and then, if you know what I mean. As far as looks go, I generally find plainer girls to be more attractive than the ones society thinks are beautiful. I vastly prefer thicker, curvier women to thin ones. Skinny isn't my thing. But neither is obesity. I suppose voluptuous is the word I'm looking for. I'm short and I tend to prefer women my height or shorter, though my ex-wife was 5'8. I would prefer a left-leaning, anti-Trump, atheist woman, but I'm not closed off to the opposite. I just ask that she be open-minded and fair-minded. And if she can cook, that would make me deliriously happy. I can cook and I will cook for my wife often. But I would love it if she cooked for me too. And I want a woman who will let me indulge in my butt fetish. I don't just want that, I require it.

Lastly, I hope to meet a woman on here who will, at some future date, assuming a loving LDR is established, be open to relocation. I live in a very snug, cozy condo that is completely paid for, and if I'm being honest, I would love to stay here. All my life I've never lived in any one place longer than 5 years. So I'm really in the mood now to put down some roots. I'd love to never have to move again. My mom currently lives here with me, but the clear evidence of her decline suggests she won't be with us too much longer. After she's gone, I hope to invite someone to come here and live life with me. It would be a quiet, peaceful, and relatively stress-free life of love, affection, and rest surrounded by cats. My home is very comfortable, but it needs the presence of a loving woman. All things need the presence of a loving woman, in my opinion. I believe a home is soul-less without a woman's presence.

The truth is, from my earliest moments of coherence as a little boy up to the day my previous marriage fell apart, all I EVER wanted to be in life was a husband. Nothing else mattered to me. It was like... a calling, I guess. Even as a boy I watched how husbands and wives interacted and knew that that was what I wanted. In my early 20s I read almost every book about love and relationships and marriage that I could get my hands on. I learned my love languages very early. I met my ex wife when I was 28, married her the next year, and was with her for almost 17 years before the whole thing abruptly came crashing down. I made a lot of mistakes in my marriage, mistakes that cost me, mistakes that I learned from. I went through a terrible grieving process afterward. And then, when enough healing took place, I tried the dating scene and found it horrifically unsuitable for me. 

So now, as a man who still feels this calling to be a husband, having been single, then married, then divorced, then in grief, then in recovery, and then in the dating scene, I have learned SOOOO much about what I want, what I don't want, what works, what doesn't work, and what needs to happen to actually make a marriage work. Here's something I've learned: marriages fail because they begin wrong. The entire premise of romantic love in the 21st century is completely erroneous, and that faulty premise is causing a lot of confusion, pain, grief, and divorces. I have a vision for something different. Something that draws upon the lost wisdom of our ancestors, something that by its very nature lays a foundation for something much, much stronger than most relationships today ever experience. So if any of what I've said so far has made you curious, come talk to me. I will share my vision with you. 

I will leave you with this advice. Stop looking for your soulmate. You will never find one by looking. Soulmates aren't found. They are crafted over time between two people who are willing to do the work of that crafting.