This is a long-winded rant about myself in list form. Everything said below is true. Some of it is silly. I make no promises that the reader will be interested, entertained, or informed. The best I can hope for is "not bored for a few moments." However, to entice you, dear reader, If you read this and actually contact me, I will draw whatever you ask for as long as it is drawable-ish. I will put the date on it and send a picture back. This is your free gift to keep. I do not promise it will be good; it might be funny.

Who Are You:

Age: 43
Skin: White but not pale.
Gender: Cishet male.
Height: 6ft
Build: Normal body weight, reasonably fit.
Hair: Naturally very dark brown/black. Sometimes neon colors.
Beard: Maybe, sideburns or mutton chops always. Never neon colors.
Eyes: Two, hazel.
Fingers/Toes: 10/10
Genus: Homo
Species: H. sapiens
Job: Chief Technology Officer

My Kinda Fun:

* I love music of all kinds! I collect records, mostly punk, hip-hop, and old rock n roll, but I have a little bit of just about everything. I also play guitar and write original music.

* Blacksmithing/Armoring/Metalworking: I make swords, shields, armor, various fittings, and tools from steel. I can also do most of the wood/leaBackground To Malfunction:

ther/fabric work that goes with it. I've also worked in cast bronze and copper. I've also made a small amount of jewelry.

* I'm interested in gardening/permaculture/ecology. My yard is a wildlife habitat and permaculture site. With enough effort, I can grow most of my vegetables and herbs on-site.

* I love games! I have a preference for tabletop RPGs/miniatures games, but board games, Magic The Gathering, and bar trivia are good, too. I also play video games from time to time.

* General DIY/Maker skills. I can fix/fabricate/maintain most things, as well as all the basic home improvement skills. I have a shop, and I am always collecting tools. I can make damn near anything from furniture, crafty decorations, and costumes to advanced 3d printed parts, electronics, and highly accurate recreations of historical pieces. Making your space your own is fun, and working on all kinds of fun little builds is some of the most fun I can have.

* I also like building, painting, and designing models of just about anything. Model trains, gaming miniatures, structures, and Legos; it's all good!

* I'm a giant history nerd. Most of history is interesting to me, but especially classical/late antiquity, the Celts, the Vikings, and the Romans. I am particularly obsessed with the Sub-Roman Britons, Ancient Irish, Maasai, and Nazca. I also have a related love of anthropology and linguistics.

* Computer/tech stuff is what I am best at. I do it professionally but still fool around with research operating systems and programming languages for fun. 

* I don't read for pleasure as much as I used to, but I still manage to get through a reasonable amount of science, history, and engineering stuff and a few novels every year. 

* Art is pretty great; I paint and sculpt a little bit.

* I'm almost always up for live music.

Who, What, When, Where, Why:

* I am tough and fearless.

* I have a dark sense of humor; I prefer using ghoulish overkill and insane hyperbole. I'm also prone to sarcasm and pitching absurd ideas.

* I have a very low tolerance for ignorance and bigotry. I'm also not quiet about it.

* Hater of all things "bro," especially tech bros.

* Not a fan of capitalism. 

* I'm not a big physical contact person. It can also take me a while to warm up to new people. However, once I get comfortable around someone and/or let them in my personal space bubble, I can pretty much handle unlimited affection. 

* I am high energy, and if it sounds fun or interesting (or if I'm bored), I'll give it a try. I also have the most fun being with the people I care about when they are having fun.

* Small talk is basically impossible for me. If I am going to say something, it's going to be meaningful, insightful, or fun.

* I tend to get frustrated when people struggle to do something that I find (or should be) easy.

* I am Not big into most consumption-based activities; I'd much rather create things.

* I'm not exactly a people person. So, getting me to go to social functions that aren't for a very specific and enjoyable reason can be tough. I would not call myself an introvert; however, I’m more selective about the people I want to be around.

* I go to therapy and take that shit seriously!

* I'm generally very organized and extremely clean.

* I love animals, and I have an awesome dog and a sweet cat.

* I can have the best conversations.

* I stay calm when on fire.

* Gift-giving (making) and service are my love language.

* I am not a highly competitive individual. There is too much pointless competition in the world. Low-stakes fun competitions (games, marble eating contests) are fine.

* I am driven and highly motivated, but I don't feel the need to keep up with or compare myself to others.

* If something is interesting or important to me, it's always worth the effort.

* I value personal expression, authenticity, creativity, and sincerity more than anything else.

* I'd much rather have a highly personal, thoughtful, and/or handmade gift than something flashy and expensive.

* Science and math are important.

* I am not a religious person at all. I don't believe in anything and am actively repulsed by organized religion. I have no problem with personal beliefs and spiritual people as long as it doesn't cause them to make irrational, stupid, or fearful life choices.

* My friends are extremely important to me, and I am very protective of the people I care about.

Now Tell Me Who Are You:

You should be looking for a serious relationship with intent. You should be willing to take things slow but willing to commit once things feel right. You should have time or be willing to make time for a relationship.

You should have your shit together and know what you want. I also don’t care about traditional gender roles; my only expectation is that we share the burden of chores and the like.

You should have a job you can tolerate and make enough to support yourself. I don’t care if you want to advance your career or not.

I am first and foremost attracted to intelligence and personality; it's one of the reasons I decided to do things this way. It's easy to find people you might find attractive, but it's much harder to find people you like. I find that the more I like someone's mind/personality, the more attractive I find them. 

As far as your personality goes, you are creative, passionate, sincere, and authentic. You should be a good communicator and enjoy long, rambling conversations about all kinds of stuff. You should be bright, inquisitive, and have a quick wit. 

We don’t need to have everything in common, but we should have a few mutual interests. You should also be open to trying new things/finding more common ground and mutual passion. 

If you are comfortable using tools, that would be super awesome. Nothing is as hot as a woman with a power tool or soldering iron, haha.

If you have kids, cool; just know I don’t and won’t have them.

I don’t care about race or any other socially constructed bullshit. 

The following is a list of traits I find physically attractive. By no means is this list exclusive, just physical traits I find appealing: natural red hair (if this is paired with an Irish or Scottish accent, you already own me), blonde hair, brightly colored hair, super pale, or a nice creamy brown skin. Short hair is nice, and so is very long, straight hair; you could even have a shaved head (especially if you are dark-skinned). I don’t care if you are taller than me. If you are a bit masculine, that is fine (short tomboys are lovely). You should be fit enough that your weight does not impact your life, but you don’t have to be super fit or skinny. Tattoos and piercings are fine. 

Kinky people are welcome!

If you happen to be David Duchovny in the 90s or David Bowie from the 70s, I am a whole lot less straight.

Now For Something Completely Different:

1. I can rap an entire Public Enemy and Ice Cube album if you get the right amount of beer in me.

2. I have oddly specific object recall; I can remember who, where, when, and why most of my possessions were acquired. 

3. I have a film credit for something really silly.

4. As a child, I once declared the basement a sovereign republic and made my parents use passports to get in.

5. I know way too much about penguins.

6. I have very strongly held opinions about the right way to construct a sammich.

7. I have suggested we abolish all other holidays and have multiple days for Halloween from September to November.

8. I devised the idea for my company to have an employee selected paid absurd holiday each year. So I have observed some strange holidays.

9. As a child, my parents had to lock the tools away from me, or I would attempt to repair or improve everything in the house. That’s how I learned the basics of lock picking.

10. I learned to code at 5 for the very specific reason of making video games my friends could not beat, but I could. 

Instructions for use: Get in touch based on whatever contact information/method you’ve been provided, and tell me about yourself. Make sure to include what you’d like a drawing of (this is so we both know the other is real). I will reply with a drawing with the date on it and a picture of me. References are available upon request.

Warnings: Not to be taken as a suppository; may cause retinal detachment in marine mammals if eaten or swallowed; do not submerge in water; do not feed after midnight.