Toxic, emotionally unavailable, recently divorced "gem" of a guy. I drink a little too much, stay inside my head most of the time, and no you can't come (not that anyone would want to). To some credit I do successfully impostor syndrome my way through being a functioning adult. Career, house, all that BS. Not terribly original, but I HATE my job, lack any kind of motivation to pursue my true passions in life, and instead spew venomous sarcasm and witty insults (not that witty) instead of what normal people call conversation.

On top of that I'm not really handsome. Short, stocky, barely passable for OK. Think George Costanza but with hair and no glasses. OK maybe slightly better looking than that.

Anyway in case you made it this far, out of morbid curiosity or you just have nothing better to do. What I'm looking for...

Dating? I mean not really. Dating type stuff - movie, dinner, shows, road trips...sure. But mostly I'm just looking for sex with an equally emotionally unavailable woman. D&D free (as I am), and understanding the situation for what it is. So like FWB but who are we kidding with the "friends" part of that?

By the way, aside from being a sarcastic curmudgeon, I'm surprisingly decent at both the dating and the sex. I will make your eyes roll, your toes curl, and bite the pillow...after all those random things we'll fuck and you'll have a great orgasm. Also I have read some books here and there and don't have a problem carrying on an interesting conversation.

Anyway, we probably won't get along. Period. BUT we DEFINITELY won't get along if any of the below is true...

• you're looking for a "partner in crime" (what are these crimes so many of you are looking to commit????)
• were born after the year 1999 (we just won't have ANYTHING to talk about)
• are selling any kind of content (only fans, insta, whatever the fuck... Go die)
• take yourself too seriously (no one should)
• use and overuse the word "sapiosexual".. We get it, you're wicked smart and don't care about looks (bullshit)
• are not from the NY area (not being snobby, just thinking of convenience and logistics)
• say like one thing an hour and expect the other person to carry that heavy heavy burden of the entire conversation alone (you're not worth it, trust me)
• think that music preferences are a substitute for personality (swifties, looking at you)

OK that was a lot. I know for a fact you didn't make it this far. But on the absolute outside chance you did, AND you're a redhead with a pretty smile and freckles... Please disregard all the venomous bullshit above and message me immediately. Redheads with nice smiles to the front of the line.

OK. The End.