First off, I never get replies. Why? It isn’t from lack of trying; nobody seems even so much as remotely interested with the exception of scammers and content sellers. I think it’s really difficult to convey positive qualities about oneself without sounding either pompous or insincere, so I’m going to post some negative/unattractive qualities instead. If any of you ladies from the ages of about 35-45 think you might be able to tolerate text messaging with me, please let me know. Here goes:

I smoke, but I lie about that on dating sites.

I’ve been with more women than the average man has. I did casual sex in my twenties, and I have no idea what my “body count” is. Miraculously, I have no STIs, including all flavors of HPV along with both flavors of HSV. I can’t even fathom how this is possible, but I’m quite happy about the news.

I drive a 2008 Hyundai. I don’t grasp how having a car like that improves the quality of a man. Plus, I only pay 36 bucks a month for insurance, so I feel like I’m coming out ahead here.

I am mentally ill. Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder sucks horribly, and meds do absolutely nothing for it.

I have a child who doesn’t live with me. She’s really cool, and is about to turn 18. She often bugs me to get a girlfriend because she knows I’m happier when in a mutually affectionate relationship.

I work in the mental health industry, which is basically human trafficking with rules and insurance companies calling the shots. If you really have the urge to ask me how my day went, be prepared to hear some depressing stuff!

I sometimes wear clothing twice before washing. Occasionally even three times, so long as I’m not sweating.

I shower twice a week unless there’s a compelling reason to take an additional one, and I am baffled by people who shower daily.

I live with three roommates, which I don’t mind because it’s cheap and it’ll give me a chance to pack away retirement savings.

I’ve used hard drugs in my past. Like, a lot of hard drugs. I’ve been off of heroin for 14 years. Feel free to ask whatever you’d like; it’s a bit cathartic to speak about it.

I haven’t had any romance or desire for romance in three years. I’m finally at a point where I don’t refer to myself as sexually active.

I once specialized professionally in cult deprogramming and post-exit identity integration, and it traumatized me to the point where fight or flight kicks in when I think too much about it. The pay was good though.

I like mustard on French fries.

I have kinks that are a little bit uncommon and will make you blush, giggle, or wretch.

I once stole a necklace that someone was mailing to a relative out of a mailbox. That’s federal criminality, yo.

Back when I was a nurse, I used to steal drugs from work, pharmacies, other hospitals, drug carts, and elsewhere. Like, lots of drugs. So many drugs that I compiled my own little pharmacy at home. And I never even came close to getting caught.

Sometimes when I work from home, I watch Netflix, fuck around on Reddit, or lay down for naps. I do meet productivity targets, but it’s blatant time theft. I do it in retaliation for their wage theft.

I get some of my food from food pantries even though I can afford everything I need. Granted, I do give most of it away to my starving patients, but I ransack every single bag for the good shit before distributing it.

I don’t recycle at the moment. I have before and I will again, but right now I toss cans and plastic bottles in with regular trash.

I was married for four years to a woman who I later found out was already married. She’s my baby momma.

I used to carry firearms because I thought I was in danger. Turns out I was just crazy. Now I have a psychological aversion to firearms.

I take no pity when it comes to your religious beliefs. If you quote scripture at me or claim that your god is challenging someone as a test, be prepared for retort.

I opine that Madonna should fucking retire already. The things she does for vanity make her look gross, and that’s an opinion I’m sticking to.

I only pay for the food and soft drinks on dates. If you’re going to drink, you’re going to pay for it. Exceptions are made for paired wines.

I frequently prefer dating high functioning mentally ill people because I don’t have to lie to them when they ask how my day is going.

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Is there anybody willing to tolerate me? Would anybody like to share negative facts about themselves for me? I’m waiting for literally anybody to respond, but I suspect it’ll be a long wait.