I used to think the one was out there. You know "the one"- from all the movies and the shows. They’re so perfect for you. Tailor-made by the universe (or the god of your own choosing) to complete you like a motherfucker. Ain’t that romantic?

That’s not sarcasm. It’s romantic as hell. And goddamn was I a “hopeless romantic”.

So what have I learned?

“The one” isn't out there. And I say that without an ounce of cynicism. My past has not left me jaded. It made me a better person. My ex made me a better person. My mistakes made me a better person. My sadness... well she’s a bitch, but she makes me a better fucking person.

As I get to know people these days, I see how bad I was at getting to know people when I was last single 10 years ago. I didn't see people for who they were, I saw them for what they could be. And thinking there is one singular person out there for you can strip you of your own agency. Because if “the one” is out there, fate must have it appointed. Because no matter how cold the universe can seem, surely there is no way you would *not* meet your one and only at some serendipitous point in time where your paths collide. The universe could not be that cruel.

So what does "the one" mean? It means it’s out of your hands. You don’t need to make yourself uncomfortable or put yourself out there with all that vulnerability. You can just do your thing until it happens… or you think it happens. And then what do you? You press. You force it. You put on your quixotic sunglasses and tell yourself this must be “the one”.

Oh, I did that. I did it hard. There was Kelly the grade school crush. Stephanie the first kiss. Liz the first girlfriend. Anya the goddamn catfish. And of course, my wife the ex-wife.

You know I had the fucking audacity to think marriage was gonna be easy?? The fuck do those old married couples know?? Clearly they didn’t marry “the one”. Because “ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE!”

A classic fool, I was. But no regrets from me on asking the question. Marrying her was the right decision (at the time)- I just made that decision for the wrong reasons. How can that be? Because I loved her to the best of my abilities at the time. I loved with all my heart as I said “I do.” It's just that my heart was much smaller back then. My capacity to love was limited by a lifetime of idealized ignorance. I was in a bad way of thinking on what romantic love and intimacy actually meant. That’s all I fucking thought about 10 years ago. I totally would have married an awful fucking person if they showed me regard back then. That’s a scary thought. And I got lucky. I married a very good person and the best mother to my children I could imagine. But we weren’t really right for each other.

No, I don't believe there's just one person out there. There are many people you can connect with on some level. Many people you vibe with in beautiful ways. Maybe not for long, of course. Just could be a night, and that’s not bad at all. You can still enjoy their presence and learn from their company. Or it could be much longer. Either way, no one can truly guarantee you a lifetime. But some people will feel very special. And it’s then you apply all you learned about yourself and what you need and what you can give. You have agency. You act. You decide. You roll the dice- not the universe. To me, that’s much more romantic. And it ain’t the hopeless kind. It’s hopeful.