I like to look at the silver lining of this miserable shitpile that is 2020. Suppose I'm just a fucking optimist like that.

I find it difficult to sleep in silence. I need a steady ambient sound and rain is always the fucking king of ambient sound. I don't understand how anyone prefers going to bed in silence if they have any other choice. In silence, it's so easy to fixate on a single distant sound. That said, I enjoy sitting in dark silence when I'm awake, though. I've been told that's weird. But I just say it's not weird for a serial killer.

I'll be 36 in a couple months. That seems like an inconsequential age to turn. 35 was halfway to forty and 34 was one more than Jesus did.

It's pretty cool to be better than Jesus at something.

I like the name "Good Friday" for the holiday. It's like Jesus was carrying the cross through town after his flogging and some rando in the crowd asked Jesus how his day was going and He said in a super sarcastic voice "iTs A gOoD fRiDaY" while making a jerk-off motion.

I also like the term "stations of the cross". Makes it sounds like a Double Dare course.

So clearly I can talk like a pseudo-deep asshole and write in a weird fucking cadence. If you're also about that, I would think that's neat. Organic communication is the bee's fucking knees. Comfortable silence sure has its place, too.

Sometimes I fall back into bad patterns of using humor to gain small hits of self-worth. I hate that shit. guess I'm doing that here a bit. I don't need jokes. I want honesty. I want to give it and take it. I want a true blue friend who knows people can be total fucks ups and still hopes for the best in them.

Sure I'm a mess but I'm a genuine mess. And I'm genuinely wanting and trying to better myself.

Now's the part where you look at my other post and I alienate the shit out of most of you that read this far.

I do feel better than I did last week. One day at a time and all.

Can't change the past. Can't control the future. You can only choose how you react to the present.

And my goal is to react gratefully- even if the present is a pair of ugly ass socks.

Suppose I'm just a fucking optimist like that.