• What you really want to know...

What you don't care about but I'ma tell you about anyway....

• Can tell you stories about what life was like before Myspace, Facebook, and even Xanga and AOL 3.0.

• Not afraid to sing to you. You, however, should be afraid.

• Survived Y2k, getting the flu and strep at the same time, getting covid zero times because I had already mastered antisocial behavior before it was cool, an N'Sync concert packed with preteen girls, getting stabbed and shot at, mildly immolated in a house fire, having my head trapped under a falling boulder, eating ice cream with Jerry Van Dyke, non-consensually shaking hands with Bill Clinton (soft hands, btw. Dude moisturizes like... a lot.), and being on an overbooked United flight. In summary I'm just unable to be killed, which I guess is useful in a friend, right?

• Will make it through at least the first week of the zombie apocalypse. See above about unable to be killed. I also have a basement, like 2 cans of tuna and a dying tomato garden, so I'm basically one bad haircut away from being a certified doomsday prepper.

• Not a vegan, do not do crossfit, thus able to carry on a normal conversation without constantly looping back. Have actually talked to people IRL before. Successfully? Well, that's always open to interpretation.

• Chemical Engineer - so I know several ways to make meth if we get stranded in Vegas someday and need to scratch together money to further our shenanigans. Have also passed MyMathLab tests before, so basically a genius. I'm also an expert marksman, but since there aren't any zombies yet that's only useful for launching straw sleeves at people in restaurants like a 7-year old.

• Have three dogs, named Tesla, Joule, and Somi. And a robotic vacuum named Oscar IV. Only one listens to me, but fortunately it's the one that is supposed to pick up after the others so all is well in the world. Oscar seems to get stuck on dog toys a lot though, I'm beginning to suspect deliberate sabotage.

• Always optimistic about my future because I know that good things still happen to bad people, and there was that one time that I got exactly what I ordered at a Taco Bell.

• Won't tell you about all my exes or who I voted for. Might make a bullet list from time to time.

I'm looking for some cool people to talk to and get to know! It's not like you have anything better to do right now.

So act now, while supplies last! Because the "supplies" are literally just me, and after the first messages, everyone else has to knife fight to get my attention! I'm kidding people, this isn't the toilet paper aisle at Costco after the weatherman said "snow". Calm down, Marie... give me the knife, good, that's good....

Okay, now that Marie is being carted away by the authorities, the rest of you interested parties should message me. Bullet lists accepted. Photos encouraged.