Throughout the entirety of my life my mind has been waging a war against what most would consider natural human urges. The need for intimacy, for love, to find someone that gives you belief in yourself to follow your dreams, or if you have no dreams then to just be there. A hug when you’re down or a cheer when you’re up.

I grew up in a bubble world, unable to connect with anyone in a deep way because I was disconnected from my own emotions, presumably as a defence mechanism my younger self created to deal with my experiences. My mind dissociates as an extra measure of defence, in order for me to have even more trouble in even realising the issue, never mind fixing it.

I’ve been lucky in one way, as I always seemed to get along with almost anyone, and made friends quickly, I think because I’m quite empathetic and genuinely care about people and am interested in them. Which is handy because as I was unable to talk about myself, and felt shame for always being single and unable to overcome it, my relationships were all very surface level and as such didn’t last much longer than a few years.

My experiences with girls I fancy are unfortunately rather heartbreaking. At least for me! I suppose I’ve been lucky in that I’ve at least had quite a few chances at intimacy, but cursed by the fact that I have no choice over what happens in the heat of the moment. When, after hanging out for months casually, you’re together alone and the moment comes to make a move, or more often than not she makes the move, I black out and come to a short time later having fucked things up in some way or another. The first time I was actually physically sick, and times after have ranged from saying self destructive stuff to basically running away.

By the time I could finally be honest with myself and willing to share this with someone I fancy, (before those high stress moments - in my hope that would annul the panic driven black out), I had shut down, mentally. I lost my job, isolated myself from what remained of my friends and family and had spent far too long in a state of heavy depression and anxiety. The overwhelming sense of shame is something that has crushed me for so long i feel as though I can barely breathe. I have no life, I just survive, purely so I don’t upset my family even more than I already have.

My therapist tells me I need to try and make a friend to start with, so here I am. I can be rather awful with my phone and will no doubt occasionally falter but it’s either change or die, and death is so terribly final.

So, a bit about me, I enjoy being out and about and finding happiness in the small things. I’m equally happy walking over the hills as I am wandering around the city, dancing till my feet hurt or binge watching high quality telly. I’m forever asking questions as I always want to learn and am interested in many things, perspective is a big thing for me so I want to understand things, especially peoples thoughts. I’ve been lucky enough to travel a bit and read lots of history which helps in this regard, but there is always more. So much more.

Although I have no experience in the matter I always imagined true love to be a partnership amongst other things, where an individual brings their happiness for the other to share, supporting them when they need it, helping them grow as an individual as well as the together in the partnership. I want to laugh often again, to feel content in the quiet moments, to feel passion and fire, and to die of old age next to the person who made me feel whole.

I can’t provide for myself and therefore can’t contribute much to a partnership just yet, but I’m hoping if I can find a friend to help build up my confidence perhaps I can finally begin to remember each day a little better, perhaps get some work or even a career and then try and find someone who loves me as much as I love them.

If you’ve managed to read this far then brava!