Homegirl, I am terrible at introductions. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm the type of person who can strike up a conversation with anyone, but for some reason, online, I lose my knees. It feels like as soon as I get behind a keyboard I become a bleeding heart. It's almost irresistible, I spill all my beans and tell my deepest darkest secrets. The anonymity is intoxicating.

Let me just throw my red flags high before you get too far in. I am missing teeth. Nine to be exact. Five years ago I beat a terrible drug addiction and am yet to get dentures or replacements, life is hard and teeth are expensive. I compensate by making smoothies. Peanut butter, berries, fruits, chocolate syrup, honey, and ice cream; they are excellent sources of calories and are nutrient-dense! Life doesn't stop with hardship, it just becomes more interesting.

I make my own. I take pride in having pulled myself out of an addiction and conquering those pesky buggars that drove me there. In fact, I've covered a lot of ground in mentality, material things come and go, but happiness is something you cannot lose. Sure, you can be happy in a moment, but can you say you're happy? The amount of bologna that I've faced and defeated would send a lesser man back to his mommy.

Speaking of which, I don't talk to my mommy. She's not a good person. My family are, generally, not good people. I keep in touch with some of them, but I don't have time for people who don't want the best for you.

Now that the red flags are out of the way, if you're still with me, I'd like to share the positives. I studied Political Science and Anthropology in college. I value culture, all of its expressions, it is quintessentially human. And politics, well, how groups of people come to govern themselves is fascinating to me, particularly early American constitutional thought; we are born free and will die for that freedom, and that's important. Don't get me started on the orange man, he's not part of my tribe.

I like to play the piano, too. All art is beautiful. I just wing it, stringing nice notes together and feeling out how I want to press the next key—playing by ear. The old ladies who listen-in think I play quite nicely, I am self-critical, but sometimes I like what I play. I've also got a catalog of abstract paintings, I don't paint often, but it's such a release when I do. Most of what paint I love for a few days and then paint over it, other times I happen into a work I hang on my wall. I've got about 40 canvases I'd like to re-do, I'll get to them, eventually.

I drive about as slow as a 90-year-old man. And I'm about as grumpy as one, too. I like my things. I like what I like. And those kids with their newfound thingy-ma-thinks will have to work a bit harder to convince me that it's worth thinking about. I've got quantum mechanics, philosophy, politics, good music, and too many questions to remember what I was asking, on my mind to worry about the latest slang or rap album. Wu-Tang.

I'm the type of guy who on a random Sunday will write a letter to a scientist detailing my thoughts on what they just published. I never get a reply, but that's not why I wrote it! Make science great! Make scientists celebrities.

Am I fun at parties? I'll tell you if I ever get invited to one. In the meantime, I will sit in my apartment and bake and cook and play video games as I read science articles and grumble about silly political bits. If you can't tolerate a 30-minute rant about how a recent bill is nonsense and how we should solve more important problems, well, sister, I ain't the one.

If you appreciate a man who will get vehemently passionate about something, back himself into a logical corner, come out after a couple of hours of reconsidering, and apologize, maybe you should message me. That's not to say I shy away from being right, because I am, often, most of the time, I just know that I don't know everything.

Now that my personality is crystal clear, like mud, let me tell you something else. I exercise. Everyday. And I'm handsome. I know it. My mom told me. My grandma told me, too. I am short. I am bald. But that's fine because 5'7" is the global average, and I'm okay with being that type of average, I make up for it in other ways, wink wink. I'm also a dirty old man.

And Merry Christmas! Ba-hum-bug. I already took my tree down. Message me something thought-provoking! Or something that tells me a bit about you. I know I'm a deep cavern of intensity, but I like to think I am humble, and whoever you are, if you're brave enough to venture into my crazy, you are likely an interesting person.