Applogies in advance for the large wall of text. I wrote stream of conscious style for most of it and I don't want to take any of it out lol.

I think I'm moving away from the inflection point in my life finally and going towards positive infinity. Went through a very ugly legal separation and while I'm not divorced yet, I've lived alone for almost a year. I went through a lot of depression, a lot of missing the person I thought she was, a lot of wondering if I'll ever make a connection like that again, a lot of wondering if I'm a good enough father, a good enough friend, boyfriend, etc. I'm in therapy, and it's helping. I lost 50 lbs in a year, and I feel good about looking at myself nude in a mirror (I'm 6'1, for you height enthusiasts). I could lose a few more. I am a bit soft still, but I'll never be a Gymbro. I just want to be healthy and live long enough to see my kids have kids and possibly grandkids. I'm ready to start my life over again. I miss the intimacy. My marriage was mostly sexless, and I miss feeling desired and wanted, being touched, a woman smiling at me and being flirtatious and cute and shit. I won't lie that I'm picky when it comes to looks. Aren't we all? I'm sorry, I know people don't like to hear it, but we all deserve to be with someone who excites us, however that takes form.

I tried casual dating a little bit, but I think that the way I personally form connections doesn't really mesh well with dating in 2024. I'm kind of a mess. I don't want to date. I already know the healthiest and strongest connections form when you take the time to really be friends with someone and get to know all about them - what makes them tick, what keeps them awake at night, their dreams, hopes, desires, their quirks. Intelligence and emotional maturity is quite sexy, probably moreso than curves and boobs. Though having all of the above is kryptonite for a timid man like me 🫠.

I'm sorry this is kind of all over the place. I know a lot of posts are structured, sometimes short, sometimes way too long, etc. I know mine falls somewhere within those boundaries. If any of this resonated with you when you were reading, or you just feel like talking because you're bored, or maybe you're having a tough time in life because you're going through something similar (or worse), come say hi. Let me see your face and I'll let you see mine. I want to get to know you. I want to see who would be excited to talk to me. It doesn't matter if we talk for an hour, or we get married in the future. Every conversation is an opportunity to learn something new, and I'm way too curious about people to pass up those opportunities.

/journal entry