Hi all,

Hey all, as the title suggests I'm a trans woman looking for my storybook ending. I don't know entirely what that looks like, because love is a funny thing and it can lead all sorts of places.

From my last relationship I learned I can enjoy and thrive in the act of caregiving. I didn't know it at first and sort of going into it without that expectation it was hard at times. tbh when we first started talking I sort of told her I wanted a caregiver cos sometimes I find adulting to be difficult. But in the end, I guess it just ... Became my purpose. And I think that's something I've always wanted -- to be devoted to my love.

I've always wanted a partner in all this. Someone to hold my hand at the end of the world and make me feel safe. That's not always easy. 😝 I don't think of my self as a pessimist but I see a lot of....wrongness in the world. And I never won't stop focusing on it. I can't look away.

There's more to it I guess. I was watching a film with my friend and at the end I was struck by how much I have always loved tragedies. I love a sad ending. If my heart is broken at the end of it all I'm happy. Or I have been. I dunno. I think I've had enough heartbreak for a hot minute that all I can think is please don't break it again. I don't want that to be my story.

[Trigger warning - Talk about depression and self hatred Skip to "So I dunno exactly...]

I've dealt with sadness to an extent my entire life. Being trans is hard. I was raised with my three brothers and all my cousins who happened to be around my age being boys. Like hard raised a boy. But I remember even at a young age wishing I was a girl. I prayed to God, please could I wake up a woman.

And I struggled with a lot of shame for that. I didn't want to be gay (the only thing I knew for my feelings) because you got bullied and teased and you'd be an abomination. 😅 Lots of internal homophobia and just tryna be one of the guys.

This all culminated in me spending time in a psych ward when I was 18. After I got out I did recognize that I had to stop people, and myself from using gay in that derrogative. But I didn't wholly accept myself and I never stopped wanting to not exist.

I was 23 when I first started questioning and accepting it was maybe ok for me to be...maybe not gay. But something. At the time I was dating a beautiful woman who would become my future ex-wife and I knew I liked women...I started going to pride every year after that.

It wasn't until I was 28 that I accepted that not only did I want to be a woman...I had to be one. I was miserable a man. Even if I was married to my best friend. I hated my life and myself and everything I was. And I couldnt keep going through my life like that.

It took another year or so to really get on hormones and start the process of transitioning. And shortly after that I got a divorce. I was devastated. But also at the same time I was so happy. Like I remember the feeling for the first time really being glad to be alive. Grateful to be here even if it had been a hard journey. Then covid happened and I was isolated from my family for 3 years and that isolation kinda broke me all over again. This is the first year that I feel maybe I'm alright now.

So I dunno exactly what I'm looking for. Life's a journey and I'm here to explore it. While I mentioned the bit about caregiving I am not necessarily looking for that -- but also not entirely opposed. I just want to find my best friend and start an epic journey together. I've never been with a man, romantically speaking and so maybe there's defs a hope I have that I can experience something different 🤷🏼‍♀️

Things to know about me : - Pre-op not really looking at bottom surgery - no official voice training (but I do practice using a feminine voice as often as I can and usually get gendered correctly even at a drive thru for it) - Bratty and playful - Live with ex (boundaries have been set for each other) - Left-leaning idealist - 420 friendly - Demisexual - Stubborn/Adamant (I know I am not always right....but in most moments I tend to think I am and it can take time and reflection til I see where I'm not)

Hobbies : - Reading mostly fantasy or sci-fi or other fictional works. - music love to listen, can't play. I love finding new music and push back on the idea that 'theres just not good new music coming out' - fitness I enjoy running or working up a sweat - walking/hiking and exploring both the natural and human built world - movies shows mostly things I feel have a good story hopefully with a nice ending mapped out if it's ongoing. (I hate watching shows as they're being released cos too many were cancelled before they could give me a satisfying ending) - shopping, I love looking at clothes and trying them on especially if I have a friend to go with me. - cooking new meals and tasty favourites

Goals - finish removing facial hair permanently - FFS - learn to sew - eat healthier (I eat my feelings and have been having wayyyy too much pizza and carbs and don't like the fit of some of my favourite outfits anymore) - build a happy life - find a community to exist in - find my feminine voice that I can comfortably talk in all the time (maybe learn to sing in it) - learn to dance - visit a new place