It’s lack of accountability. It is change, it is progress, it is loss, it is wanting better for yourself that hard for a lot of people to keep fighting for. It’s letting go of comfort, learning to be comfortable in vulnerability (whats that look like?) and being honest and that shit’s hard. Living is hard. We’re hardly living at times.

I find myself in the bad habit of looking for greener pastures. Looking for more people to talk to, but admittedly, I could be doing better to the people Im currently talking to. Okay, I’ll go message them right now. Aaaand, I’m back. Back to what I was saying… Im trying to do better. Im trying to focus my attention. I think one of the biggest things I often think about is becoming better consistently. But Im left with a question of - wen I become Supreme Ruler Goddess, who will be with me? Like, who am I sitting with? It is kind of lonely at the top. What good is having all this if not to share it with people? Hence! This post. Im trying to find a group of friends I talk to on a consistent basis. Some of which will have different relationships like maybe we just talk about food all the time. Or maybe we’re vent-er friends. Whatever the case, I’m eager to explore it with you. :D 

Ive also decided to write this post in terms of thoughts Ive been having lately. I could, write about my favorite color, or TV shows, or my hobbies and who I am as a person BUT I feel like it’s been done before. I’ve written many posts before but if you’re genuinely curious, go ahead and read my history posts. You’re welcome, most of them arent repeats. I want to write in terms of how I think, in hopes that whoever should read this appreciates my frank persona, or at the very least thinks they can get along with how I think. I am often most interested in how people think, knowing that they have their own unique experiences and learning what they value gives me more perspective. 

Anyway, I guess the other prevalent thought I’ve been having is I think I need a mindset shift. I am an honest fool. I say that, partially bad because foolishness is something to be suffered by (and pain creates growth, I suppose this is a good thing sometimes) but also honesty is typically a good trait to have. I think sometimes the reverse of this is better. Where maybe honesty shouldnt be so readily available, because in many ways people arent honest as being so shows all your cards, and foolishness being something we should grant more leniency on. Its lack of good measure, but strictly speaking we’re all just growing and learning so whats so bad about ignorance? It is inexperience. So all of this is just to say, I’m looking to adopt some healthier habits of being more crafty and giving grace to what I dont know. Cause Im pretty harsh on myself. 

I’m getting older. I wonder if I’ll meet someone special. I kind of want to but I know I’m probably not there yet. I kind of want to be ready, or more ready for my person. Emotional regulation is something. Fitness is something. Vulnerability is something. Something being, I’m working on it. xD Im concerned about losing myself in someone. I think I’m that type. To be consumed. To be obsessed. To overthink, and have many many many worries. I have this whole thing about confirmation, and asking shitton questions. Of which, could seem like Im interrogating. I wonder what kind of person they’d be. If they like providing or want to go 50/50. I wouldnt do 50/50, so I hope they enjoy providing xD. Wonder what types of experiences they have that differ, or are the same. Where they’re still growing in their journey or what they are super good at now. What we’ll fight over, and what kind of memories we’d make. Do they like to travel? I wonder what our future would look together. I wonder if they would want kids, or what kind of parent they’d be. What kind of parent I would be. Do I want kids still? I kind of want to be a grandma. Cause, it’d just love offerings, with some wisdom. Being a mom is like… making sure they’d grow up to be contributing members of society, and that’s a rougher role. 

So that’s enough thoughts for right now. If you’re interested in ever meeting up and going on a date (that would imply we would talk on a consistent basis, enough to make plans to meet up, enough to know a lot about each other, enough to be invited to each other’s weddings or special events), let me hear some of your thoughts. Whats on your mind?