TL;DR - Just me neurodivergently rambling about nothing and everything at once. Bearing-my-soul kinda ish if anyone has the time to read and be entertained, inspired, or at least provoked to respond in some way.

One of my earliest memories as a child was being in my bedroom and watching an old rabbit ears CRT TV. Being at the mercy of the available publicly broadcast TV signal, even back in the early to mid 90s, I was limited to all but the PBS channel during select hours when PBS Kids TV block was on. And so between the ages of 2-4 years of age, I spent much of my time becoming yet another diaper/pull-up wearing militant fanatic of shows such as Barney and The Power Rangers. However, one particular children's show and TV personality has not only stood out in my memory towering among the others but also became the most endearing and timeless embodiment of human kindness ever publicly displayed to my eyes. Folks, I'm of course referring to none other than everybody's favorite television friend, neighbor, father & grandfather figure: Fred McFeely Rogers. He was one of the first people, if not THE first, that I ever remembered being kind to me and that I genuinely believed liked/cared for me.

Fast forward to today, as the proverbial sword of Damocles dangles over the Gordian knot of my increasingly fragile & neurologically scarred/maladaptive mental state, I keep searching for the strength to echo the kindness & empathy that Mr. Rogers personified both within myself and toward myself. As many of you may already be aware, it is difficult to find ways to love yourself in a world that constantly glorifies self-loathing in order to sell you superficial "band-aids" to help you mask the insecurities that were socially reinforced in you. I find myself disillusioned with much of what I once used to find endearing & inspiring across all forms of media. But when I really feel overwhelmed with it all, putting on Mr. Roger's Neighborhood never fails to bring serenity to my traumatized and restless psyche; and I only yearn to find ways to better manifest that peace within myself as well as continuously learning & refining my ability to share such warmness with anyone that wants or needs it.

To quote Hoobastank's seminal smash hit single, The Reason, "I'm not a perfect person." My hands and conscience are not clean, but I keep moving forward with the hope that I can make or leave the world behind me a better place than it was when I came into it. It's probably a foolish and naïve ambition, but it's what keeps me going with any semblance of optimism or hope these days. My ultimate dream now, presuming by some stroke of luck I become famous through the myopic range of talents I possess, win the lottery, or somehow manage to dismantle the oppressive global economic systems in place and make everything free, is to get a big house and adopt/foster as many disabled, special needs, chronically & terminally ill children as I am allowed or capable of helping care for. I might also even attempt to start a charity or NPO to help facilitate this on a larger scale, if possible. I don't want to make or maintain any kind of wealth unless I can use it for something that I believe is the most ethical way I can utilize it.

I could care less if there's some benevolent deity, spiritual transcendence, or infinite black nothingness waiting for me when I die. There has only been one person's appraisal I've ever needed in my life, and that was Fred's. And I know that I have it, despite never having met him in person, because he reminded me more often than anyone else in the world ever has that he liked me just as I am. If only more of us could be so fortunate to feel such an unconditional love throughout our lives. And I hope one day, for you dear reader, it happens. You are worthy of everything you have ever wanted in life and so much more. You are special to me. You are not a mistake. And I like you just the way you are.

“Love isn't a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.” ― Fred Rogers