Ever notice on dating sites how everyone's list of demands lessens the longer they remain there? Everyone seems to start off shooting for the moon, then the realization that wow, people sure do seem shitty these days sinks in and the bio is retooled to reflect it.

It basically becomes just please have more teeth than ankle monitors and open warrants for your arrest.

That line is dedicated to anyone who's been asked out by someone on house arrest who wants to holla but insists you go over there.

It's a cliché to say the dating pool has wee in it and as a bit of a writer, I'll put a different spin on it.

The dating pool is a stagnant puddle of water in an abandoned Kmart parking lot. It's overrun with the thirstiest of mosquitoes, out to chug the blood of whoever passes by.

Randy Jackson: That's gonna be a no from me, dawg.

Have I lowered my standards? No, I think I've raised them.

Remember, all that glitters is not gold.

Fellow fans of '80s music might remember when Robert Palmer sang a pretty face don't mean a pretty heart

I wish I had learned that from the start.

We live and learn.

Being an overall decent human being is really the most important character trait as far as I'm concerned. I can see where not being absolutely crazy might come in handy too. Saying you have a good heart on the internet is probably more likely to lead to someone harvesting it than showing you one in return.

I brought you some flowers.. hey, what's that cooler for?

Sure, we all have our interests but we are more than the things we like. I'm not as concerned with whether or not you've seen a horror movie than If you'll turn my life into one.

Please don't.

I can pretty much get along with anyone who likes to laugh and have a good time so let's see if we can have some together.

I have to throw in at least one movie reference so let's, as William "Bill" S. Preston Esq and "Ted" Theodore Logan would say "be excellent to each other."