Alright, listen closely as we don't have much time. I'm a schizoaffective juggler who works with the CIA to create awakening propaganda here on Reddit. Because of this, my account is under special protection. Basically, I'm normally behind like seven proxies that create an illusory experience of interacting with Reddit at large. They literally stuck me in a fake internet like a toddler in a high chair. I mean, normally I like opening up for the airplane and getting a mouthful of yummy corn, but today I discovered that all my hard work has won me enough good boy points so I could spend them on one free day on the real Reddit with all the big kids. So, obviously after starting a cult where we worship the alien supercomputer hivemind in the hollow moon, I decided to come here where I'd meet my sister who has an incest fetish as diabolical as mine. That's kosher, right? I don't want to be weird or anything.

But, I guess it's too late for that, so let's hit the ground running like there's a hungry grizzly on a moped right behind us. My name's Victorious, and I'm a practicing Transcendental Post-Zen Alchemist. Now, I'm basically a chaos magician with roots deep into Zen Buddhism and Judeo-Christian mysticism, but my marketing team thought I would sell more books if I branded myself under the TPZA umbrella. Speaking of which, I'm an author! I have written two books, the first being my first foray into casual gay sex after escaping a new age cult (true story), and the second is the tale of how the CIA fucking brainwashed me and turned me into the crackhead you see here today (also true story). I also write educational material with lots of dick and poop jokes!

Now, I know what you're thinking; how could I get any better? I know ladies, I'm quite the catch If you fish down by the nuclear waste landfill. But, it gets better! For instance, I'm currently homeless! Now, some people are out on the streets because they have made bad choices, like getting addicted to drugs or shooting a senator. Well, I'll have you know that I'm out here by choice! I like the rough and tough lifestyle, and I'd like to invite you to come join me in my cardboard condo down behind the Rite Aid. The cops hardly do sweeps there, so we can do all the methamphetamine that we want! Fuck, I'm on some right now, and that just makes me want to write a flash fiction erotica story about the dad from Dexter's Labratory smearing himself in mayonnaise before trying with his wife for a little hermaphrodite sibling for Dee Dee and Dexter. Not even the strangest thing I've written in the last forty-eight hours.

God damn do I have to defecate! I suppose we could wrap things up here, but I really like the feeling of something large and cylindrical in my anus, so while I think of you pegging me ceaselessly while I'm high on Benadryl, why don't I write you a little poem before the CIA locks me back away in my digital tower.

I like big blue dinosaurs that stomp all around

They'll travel through time and crush the town

But, that's no problem to me as I've got bacon

I smear it over my nipples cause it is a turn on

If you don't like it, you can fry it up for brunch

Which in my opinion, is far better than lunch

For my grandma used to serve me boot soup

I think she was crazy, but I'm out of the loop

Of my family history as an ancient fire demon

Left me as an orphan for no particular reason

You might think that sad, but I just gotta shrug

As in my father's will, he left me a potatoe rug

Do you think that I am actually batshit crazy?

Perhaps I am, but I am simply trying to be me

I am a performance artist putting on a show

So really I'm pretty normal as far as things go