I recently spent 5 years without a dime I could really call my own. I was lucky to have family and resources to fall back on. I was lucky I didn't end up on the street. The point of all of this is to say, while I'm grateful for all of the help I have and had (gestures around generally), THIS is not what I had in mind for myself at 40.

It touches on a more universal truth and a cliche (Google tells me it's an old Yiddish proverb): "we plan, god laughs."

So, at 40, I find myself sheltering with my folks (whom I'm so lucky to have and to still have around). My financial situation has greatly improved, relatively speaking. I have enough; I have enough FOR NOW. I am disabled and the SSDI part of that kicked in recently. I'm finally getting my own income and basically swimming in back-pay.

My mom tells me I'm retired. I think about that a lot. I'm thinking a lot today about what I want my day-to-day life to look like. I have some agency in that for the first time in a long time.

Right now, I'm pretty sick and have been for 7 weeks. I have a chronic inflammatory condition that is debilitating. I also have trouble with anxiety and think of myself as an anxiety fighter.

I started to write that I don't know why I'm here or if I should be--and while I can say that rhetorically, I'll tell you the truth: I'm here because I'm lonely. My contemporaries are all getting married and have little kids and I was doing that sort of thing 20 years ago. I was an old soul BEFORE I became a father right out of high school.

I'm here because I'm looking for someone. It might be you. Please do tell me if it's you--if it's you, you'll know. Maybe it won't make sense, but you'll know it anyway.

To this point I've mainly been writing about things that are or have happened to me. Now, I'll tell you a little about myself:

I'm basically just an old punk rock kid. I'm not the kind of person who pretends to know something he doesn't know. Life has taught me that what people say and what they do are two entirely different things--and mostly, I find that confusing. That confusion has made me both extremely empathetic (I can read people; their voices, their words, their body language) and a human lie-detector. It has made me someone who tries to be as honest as possible.

Kindness is probably the most important thing in the world to me*. I believe that when we're kind to each other, everything else takes care of itself, for the most part.

I like TV (and talking about it!) and I love baseball.

'An old punk rock kid' is a description of my personality, but I also love the music. I'm NOT the type of person who says, "I like everything." Genre-wise (mainly): old school hardcore punk, punk, indie rock/emo, classical piano. I'm a musician: I can play a few instruments and I can sing. I've played in almost as many bands as I have fingers and I'm currently starting a new one and I'll tell you about it if you're interested. I'll show you music from my old bands if you're interested.

Let's see...what else?

My name is AJ. I have a talented voice, amazing hands & super-power-level blue eyes***.

I'm struggling mightily with both my physical and mental health**, but I AM trying.I'm a writer who doesn't write anything, a musician who doesn't make any music, a comedian who doesn't tell any jokes. I'm a time-capsule. I'm frozen in ice like Austin Powers--I can't move and I really gotta pee.

I don't know what I'm talking about anymore. I'd rather be talking to you.

Maybe, somehow...you can tell that I'm talking to you. YOU, specifically reading THESE words RIGHT NOW. Maybe you feel a little tingle in your tummy. Maybe you feel like we're SUPPOSED to talk to each other. If so, with this post--know that this is me coming to find you. This post is a beacon awaiting your answer.

Say hi. Tell me something. Give me a cheat code*. I'm excited for us to get to know one another. I want to connect!

Thanks in advance.

AJ

* CHEAT CODE: If you're kind to me and laugh at my jokes, you can probably steal my heart fairly easily.

** I'm not mean, I don't lash out at people; I blame myself for everything. I don't hurt myself. I wouldn't ever physically harm another person on-purpose. I just find it difficult to find/feel...calm.

*** Talk to me and we can exchange selfies. I promise that I do not resemble Shrek. Maybe I can add a selfie in an edit or a comment. I'll check it out.