To whom it may concern,
Good morning/afternoon/evening, depending on where you are. If you are reading this, you may or may not find yourself in the same situation- longing for a friend, maybe more, but not just any individual; you long for someone who accepts you just the way you are. Someone who simply wants to share everything with you, and by share I mean equal parts giving and equal parts taking, for isn’t that what relationships are, or at least, what they’re supposed to be?
I’ve been in many relationships, and find myself starting over at 37. Truth be told, I am in the middle of a divorce. I have had some of the most abysmal lows of my life over the last couple of months, but I know that I’m not alone and that this too shall pass. I wasn’t married for long. Only a little over a year, but figured out that I got married for all the wrong reasons.
As most of you have probably figured out, as this is a 30 sub, your thirties are scary. I think they may be more scary for women than for men, seeing as how your biological clock is ticking and all that. I wouldn’t know, but I think I understand to a degree, as I went and got married because I thought that if it didn’t happen now, it would never happen, and I was doomed to spending the rest of my life alone as one of those old people you see walking around that have no one. I was afraid of losing my parents, as they have been getting a little older. Yes, I’m very close to my family. They’re my world, and I would do anything for them. I know a lot of other people haven’t had the same experience with theirs, and my heart goes out to them because I have no idea how I would’ve turned out had it not been for my mother’s relentless prayers for me.
One thing that getting married, and subsequently divorced did teach me was that you should NEVER get married just because you feel like you have to; these societal constructs that tell us it is just what people do, and if you don’t do it, there’s something wrong with you are, for a lack of a better way of putting it, COMPLETE BULLSHIT. You don’t have to do anything you’re not ready for, nor should you make that grand of a commitment if you know deep inside you’re not ready for it. I’m ranting now, and I apologize. I just have a habit of replaying things in my mind over and over where I wish I could just go back in time and stop myself from ever making the decision. It would have been better for her and for me if it just hadn’t happened all together, or at least that’s what I tell myself. But you know what? I think we both grew from it, and isn’t that what life is all about? I digress.
I know this is supposed to be an ad that convinces you to want to talk to and meet me, and part of the reason I’m writing this is because my stubborn nature inhibits me from giving up on anything that I want, so here I am- trying again.
If I haven’t scared you off by now, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for staying and listening to me blabber on. The other reason I’m writing this is simply to get things out of my system- to truly shed the dead skin cells of this time of my life and move on, and if a redditor writes a memoir and there isn’t anyone there to read it, did it really happen? Yes, more unanswered questions. Life seems to be full of them, no?
Who am I? Isn’t that a question we subconsciously ask ourselves all the time? We try to identify ourselves with specific things that we think may grant us validity in society. Many identify themselves with their profession, or a social group they’re a part of, or perhaps a hobby they enjoy. “I’m a business person”, “I’m a gamer”, “I’m a <member of this political party>”, “I’m a musician”, etc- but what if that thing we identified with ceased to exist? What if an A.I. generated virus suddenly took out every server on the face of the planet, the internet went down permanently, and every record of “who you are,” just up and vanished? Who would you be, then?
My name is (meet me, and I’ll tell you). I’m 37 years old, and I absolutely despise this age of vanity and self-glorification we live in. I live as a stranger because I simply fail to relate to anything around me. I believe social media and the internet have become psychological cancers to our society that will eventually rot away any vestige of good moral values, until the barren, emotionless future scapes of modern science fiction become our reality. Once again, I digress. I apologize for these tangents, and if you’ve read this far, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for listening.
Let me try again- money, power and fame does not impress me. Kindness does, and I think that’s what I’m looking for here. A kind heart- a gentle soul; someone who doesn’t care how much money I make, or how many likes I have on instagram- a genuine human being who just wants to share their life with me on some level. If things evolve past friendship, they will do so organically, and that’s exactly what I hope for. I will never again make the mistake of attempting to fabricate a relationship with anyone.
I have intentionally left out details about myself, because I’d like for that exchange to happen between us, if you’re at all interested in reaching out to me. I am going to end this here, because I think it gives a fairly accurate depiction of expectations. Again, thank you for reading, and I hope to hear from you.
~ Me