I feel like for so long, I've been skimming the surface. Never really saying what I want. Who I am. Scared that if I tread deeper within, it won't be reciprocated well. But I'm embracing a new idea, allowing myself to fail, if that's how it pans out. Ready to get almost horrifyingly acquainted? Cool, let's jump right on in.

SO Let's be real for a damn second.

For starters, let's get the basics out of the way. I'm 35, but I turn 36 next month so I figure, might as well get used to that bombshell. I've passed the threshold of mid 30's and I'm not entirely sure how to process that as of yet. I'm 5 foot tall. I'm into tall guys, it's a preference. Yes I prefer 6 foot or taller. It does NOT mean if you're under 6 foot you are automatically unworthy. I am not Thor's hammer FFS. It means I PREFER tall. I am a single mother of 2 girls, 3 and 6. I don't talk about my kids right off, privacy is important at first. Knowing about my kids is a privilege, considering how things are these days. I am separated, filed for divorce, from a narcissistic, abusive alcoholic who insists on stringing things out. I am currently working accounting at my Uncle's company and going to school for an Ultrasound Tech. I was a SAHM who is basically starting over after 8 years of marriage and conditioning. So I've been out of a lot for quite a bit.

Okay surface personality bits... I am a Gemini. Sometimes my birthday is on Friday the 13th and I absolutely adore those days. Which leads me to my ying and yang. I love horror and serial killers but also Carebears and My Little Pony. Black roses and sunflowers. A balance of dark and light. I have am addicted to banter and I love a good witty go between. Where we feed off the other. Even better with flirting. I have a strong gif game and feel sometimes my tone is better reflected through them. I am a homebody. I'm not the type to be out every night. I don't go to bars and clubs. If I go, I promise it is under duress and I don't want to be there. And yes I AM entirely awkward the whole time. Maybe adorkably so, but nonetheless. I prefer to sit at home and spend my evenings reading, writing poetry or journaling with a cup of apple cider or hot cocoa. You can always just about catch me with my beats on, having my own personal jam sesh. Music is life. Go ahead and tell me what song saved you when you were broken and what your favorite song is, kudos if they are different. Song that saved me, Skyscraper by Demi Lovato. Favorite song overall, Iris by The Goo Goo Dolls. Favorite song in my time of healing, Lose You to Love Me by Selena Gomez. But with music I'm very well rounded and love a little of everything and I'm always wanting to listen to more. I also sometimes just want to turn my brain off and binge TV. I am a repeat offender on TV shows and develop an attachment to the characters and find it hard to get into new shows, instead opting to rewatch ones I love or find comfort in. My fandoms are Harry Potter (I am a Slytherin, Hail Voldemort and I do speak his name) and Supernatural. My favorite horror characters are Chucky, M3GAN and Pennywise. My favorite book is Pride and Prejudice and I have 8 copies of it. Everytime I find a new pretty version, I get it. I have a lot of comfort shows, Grey's and Stranger Things, Supernatural, Veronica Mars and Friends being the top ones. I am also a Marvel nerd and I comfort watch The Avengers movies as well.

Okay, now the deeper. I am NOT healed. I am getting there but I'm not fully there. I have self doubt, I need reassurance and I have trust issues. I'm slow to bond and deflect with humor. I have a dark humor, sometimes self deprecatingly so. Do I actually mean it, probably not. Will you think so, highly likely. I'm unlearning years of conditioning and bad coping mechanisms. I know it can be frustrating but I am trying and I am taking the steps to be fully healed. I am worth it though, if anything, I've learned my self worth, I know I'm a good person and I'm sweet and loving and kind. Despite how I should be cynical and scornful. Hateful maybe even. I know I am strong. And I know that I am a good partner. I'm just still healing. Please be understanding of this and serious in your inquiry. I've been through enough pain, enough things to work through without more being added.

Okay, "relationship" deets. What I'm looking for... In all of this I have realized what I want, what I won't settle on and learning to stick to my boundaries, loneliness be damned. I'm looking for a bond, a connection. Not a fleeting couple of days where you lead me on, tell me all the pretty little words you think I want to hear, in hopes it will make me strip down naked and wanna send those lovely nudes and sext with you. It won't happen, I will excuse myself from the conversation. I AM NOT YOUR SEX TOY TO USE AS YOU SEE FIT. I have a brain, I have dreams and hopes and desires and a need for deeper conversation. Sex isn't everything, Mr. Potter. Tell me what broke you. Tell me the first time you felt real heartbreak. Or about a time when you were truly happy. Tell me what you think a best friend is. Or what you think a meaningful, romantic relationship looks like. Vibe with me. Goof off with me. Banter with me. Let's have fun and bond and be deep together.

About me in a relationship... I am loyal, to a FAULT. I do not lie, I do not cheat. I am honest and expect it in return. My love languages are physical touch and gift giving. That's lightly brushing my fingers along your side, barely grazing your skin as I walk by because I needed to touch you in that moment. Coming up behind you and putting my arms around your waist and kissing your back and then putting my head on back. Just to feel you next to me, the comfort of it. It's a total jam session on the floor, talking about every fucking thing possible, even the tiny insignificant details and fingers touching. It's remembering that one time you said you really loved something and I remember. And I see something and it makes me think of you and when you said that so I get it for you. I want dancing in the kitchen and playfulness. If I can't shoot rubberbands at you across the room because you're not paying attention to me and then when you get up to get me, I take off running... I don't want it. It's staying up until the fight is fixed. It's not going to bed mad. It's storming out because I made you so frustrated or drive you crazy, getting halfway down the driveway and turning back... Coming in the house and holding me because you can't be away from me when we're like that. It's fighting for our connection, our bond no matter what. It's actively choosing our love everyday and making sure we keep it alive. It's holding each other accountable but backing up the other regardless. It's dragging the body across the floor with you but bitching about how you could have done this better the whole time. It's ride or die. It's choosing you every single day. It's showing what you mean to each, it's showing up, it's being there. It's cute and sweet, hard and rainy days, it's work and sweat and tears. It's staying when it seems impossible. It's both of us, together, being a team and knowing you are safe and protected with the other. It's being a safe place and their peace. It's rubbing your head at night while you lay in my lap and telling you we got this. And how proud I am of you. And how lucky we are. It's knowing I would live in a box, in an alley with you before I'd walk away. That's what I want. That's what I'm looking for. If that's not in you, you need not apply.

I'm tired of dealing with assholes and pervs and little boys who think they are men cuz their balls dropped. Ghosting because it's not as simple as a couple hours of talk to get me to sext. Ghosting after 2 weeks because you just don't have what it takes. Grow up. If you want out, say it. Don't ghost. That's immature. I'm tired of weak ass adolescents in grown bodies that awaken feelings and depth in someone, just to say thanks for the time, bye. If you aren't planning on hanging in once you've gotten me to open up, move along. If it isn't serious to you, please leave me be. I'm done with half-ass bullshit.

If you made it this far, I applaud you and I would love to hear from you. I look forward to deep convos and witty banter with you. Let's stay in tonight and get to know each other. 🖤