That's what's on my mind. That's what's in my heart.

I have to tell you it's becoming the deep wound.

Hello stranger.. strangers.. universes beyond me..

Do you have any idea why you're reading still?

- - - - -

I've been left alone by someone I know has loved me and can no longer share a future with me.

I still love them..

For the lasts 7 years, 7 very difficult years of my life, I lived with her and loved her fully. I opened my heart and believed in the forever that could exist. I shared my mind and body, my memories and my soul with her. The things that were wonderful were true happiness to me and the things that were not so wonderful have destroyed our future. I want to make it clear to you that these last 7 years of my life will not be left behind.. I don't want to let go and my feelings remain strong. Our relationship is over. She has asked me to care for myself and live on and I hate every moment of that right now..

I loved someone and was loved by them, and we failed each other. We absolutely failed and I am left on my own now- opened and alone. No, I don't really want to live on.. but I also don't want to cause damage by throwing my life away.. she asked me to live on..

Can you understand?

Can you have compassion for my preoccupation?

Do you know yourself and your own desire?

Are you capable of sharing your soul?

Can you love someone that has loved before?

Can you make a promise?

Can you keep your promise?

Could you truly.. love someone forever?

- - - - -

My name is Christine.

Aquarius, Earth Dragon

34 years old, female intersex, sterilized, 5 ft 7 in, 210 lbs

Green eyes, pale white skin, golden-brown hair

I sing, read, write, game on PC and consoles, explore myths and study often.

I can sing to you in Japanese..

My breaking heart has killed the passion in expressing my hobbies, but many exist.

Currently living in central Alabama, and past residence in South Carolina, Georgia, California

No vehicle, but I manage thus far and hope to drive again in the future.

I'm renting a run-down house in Alabama, where I care for myself and one massive cat. It is barely livable here today, but there is some privacy. I would invite room mates in, but this house is really not habitable as it is, so I can not extend an invitation to you either. There is no functional air conditioning, the roof leaks in many places, and so on, all that the owner has no means or desire to repair. I live here as is and hope I move this year.

As for my finances, I've been receiving SSI from disability for many years now: complex post traumatic stress disorder, chronic pain, sensory processing disorder are the main issues. The small financial stability is greatly appreciated, but I have to report extremely traumatic things to doctors that review my case and I am not improved by institutional therapy or traditional pharmaceutical medications. I've been advised to try and move to a state with medical or recreational cannabis to pursue more effective treatment and I certainly want to.

Trauma baggage is not light conversation, but it must be stated.. I feel shame for being a victim of childhood sexual abuse and have many conflicts with my physical identity. There are abuse figures in my past and I have been physically and sexually harmed for much of my life. Admittedly, it is still hard for me to understand what scenarios lead to safe connection or who is possibly bad for me to bring into my world. I've allowed myself to be mistreated and endured damaging scenarios because I did not know how to find others that could provide support or even basic respect. The nature of my abuse has left me extremely conflicted, confused, hiding hyper-sexuality and unable to communicate for myself in uncomfortable situations for fear of disgusting or offending others. Worse, I do not mean to unintentionally arouse/embarrass others, but it absolutely happens. I am still a vulnerable individual and feel embarrassed about how much.

At present, anxiety from trauma and social maladjustment keep me from planning a return to work outside of the home. I have found great happiness in serving from within the home environment but I am not the type to be happy living all by myself. I don't want to be alone, destroying myself in sorrow.. I know there is a better place for me and I want to find it. I want to recover from my unhappiness and feel hope again.

I want to be guided.. to be treasured.. to be loved.

I can live on with tears in my eyes, but I know I shouldn't. Don't let me..

Due to the nature of this post, I don't want to continue writing and try to make it so personal that I'm leading and tying things to hesitant, hopeful or even jeering strangers. It's already a lot to read. So how do I continue and how do I conclude this moment?

Take this and don't be fooled, I am so very flawed- https://imgur.com/a/GyiXzb1

Tell me anything about yourself; Tell me how you feel, what you want, why you read all of this..

Know that I am hurting, don't ask about how I am.. just start writing the letter you want me to read and be brave. Include your picture, to be sincere.

I want to love.

I want to be truly loved.

Please find me.