It's been 11 years since my psychosis. I'm doing well. I'm sober and happy and living a meaningful life. I get some hypomania with online shopping but besides that I dont have any behavior issues.

I haven't dated since my psychosis. Most of the time I'm celibate until something happens, usually something stressful. Then I wind up on hookup apps and end up deleting the app as soon as someone shows interest. I guess I get cold feet plus I don't know what to do next, and I'm scared of stds. Nothing like waiting for an HIV test to come back mid psychosis in the hospital to scare the crap out of you.

This last time I went on a bdsm dating app and didn't think I would find anyone. There was one profile who I kept skipping because she seemed too real, she was cute and my age and close. She liked me first. I liked her back. She didn't immidiately end the conversation when I told her about my psychosis to explain why I don't smoke weed.

We talked a while and I ended up with a crush like I havent had since before my psychosis. I still dont know why her, maybe I just let myself be carried away with the idea of having someone to share my life with. With this intense feeling came a lot of anxiety and paranoia. I texted her this morning and told her it wasnt going anywhere and I was deleting her number. The truth was, I couldnt handle the emotions and just wanted to be alone again. It sucks. I might be single for the rest of my life. I dont take meds. I code and play piano and the meds make these things more difficult. Most of the time I'm happy alone. A nice steady life instead of ups and downs. I'll get back there eventually, until the next thing throws a wrench in my life.

How do you all cope with the highs and lows of being in a relationship?