Sorry in advance for the typos haha

The second time DMT found its way to me was the Kai, a German watchmaker who kindly hosted a circle at his place. I had eaten as healthy as possible during the week right up to the day, and meditated twice before the event.

As I arrived at Kai’s with my doona (Australian for Comforter. I highly recommend it as a trip blanket BTW) and pillow, I was greeted at the door by Yulia, Kai’s long-time friend and trip assistant. I was brought upstairs and was directed to a mattress on the floor where I would be seated for the remainder of night. As I got settled, I met a circle member who had arrived a few minutes before. After chatting for around 20 minutes, a few more people had arrived, and then soon after, it was time to begin.

After the initial prayers and rituals, each of the members of the circle mentioned their intentions. When it was my turn, I revealed that my intention was to let go of the past that seemed to still haunt me. I had two other intentions that I kept to myself as I thought it was the most important.

It was a Saturday, during the Winter Solstice this year, and the time was 7:30pm. Kai had mentioned that he affectionately calls his brew Aussihuasca, as he brews Ayahuasca using Australian native Acacia. After Lucy (the circle member who was sat to the left of me) took her first cup, it was my turn. I decided on took the standard first dose of 25ml. Luckily, some grapefruit and orange slices were prepared earlier, because the taste was fucking awful. Right after I drank the concoction, I took a slice of grapefruit, chewed on it, then went back to my spot.

On my mattress, I sat in the lotus position and closed my eyes. After what seemed to be 10 minutes had passed, the energy rushed through my body, coursing through my veins. It was a struggle at first, as both my mind and body tried to fight the medicine. Every muscle in my body tensed and I felt compelled to constantly stretch my limbs and my back. I also held onto my legs and feet to pull my chest towards the ground, as if trying to fold myself to be as small and centered as possible, as if collapsing into a void within me. The visuals were not as strong, but they were still present. It’s as if they were more my visual thoughts, rather than strong chemical hallucinations. While my eyes were also constantly closed, It still seemed as if I could still see the world around.

I found myself trying to chase my subconscious, as it seemed to be having a better time than me. I tried to reign it in by telling ‘it’ that we had some important things to work through. I was yelling at my subconscious in my mind, while it was saying NO through my body. On the outside, it appeared as if I was smiling, moving to the music and shaking my head at my thoughts. In reality, it was my psyche taking over and enjoying the moment.

I had a sudden image appear in my mind of a snake chasing and eating its own tail. The vision gave me a sense of futility, but comfort that if both sides of me were to find answers and reach a new level of clarity, we would have to work together.

I finally decided to let go, and enjoy the feeling of pure and absolute euphoria. Both poles of my mind were finally united. Then right at that very moment, a deep and calming voice said, “welcome back my friend. Isn’t it good to be back?”. It didn’t speak in English, in fact it’s hard to describe how the voices sounded, or what language it was talking in, but I could understand. In that moment, I had felt connected with both the now, and the past DMT experience I had experienced at a festival back in late 2020. It felt good to be back. It was a feeling and experience I had forgotten, as I drowned the months after with too much weed and other substances that made me forget. I had then realised too, that I had almost undid the years of self-healing I had worked on because of falling back into the bad habits.

It was a familiar feeling of multiple quantum dimensions folding and multiple sides of the same plane of existence. For a moment, I was back at the festival where I heard the same deep and calming voice say back in 2020, “don’t worry, we’ll be back here. We might forget, but we’ll be back, and we will remember. Don’t worry about the questions and answers for now, just know that we’ve come this far, and we’ll go further next time.”

I went through the motions of asking the big questions, realising I had already known the answers; then I realised that I was asking the wrong questions anyway. I went through another ego-death which I wasn’t wanting to go through again. I tried to rush the process, thinking that being through spiritual death and rebirth once before was enough. The medicine had a different idea however, and so it kept pulling me back, as it was the only to open those mental floodgates once again. I had to “trust the process,” as Kai had mentioned right before he began the ritual.

As I continued, I then became grateful for the reminder, as I had forgotten; something we all choose to do. We choose to forget, in order to prioritise new experiencing new events, emotions and sensations (or at least to make the old ones seem new again). As the disintegration carried on in my mind, I attempted to make us work through the grief of past experiences again. The more I pushed more and more for this, I finally realised that it was something I had already done. I was no longer holding onto the past, I was holding onto the dark feelings that had resulted from the trauma, and THAT was what had been keeping me up at night. My anger wasn’t over the pain that was no longer there, but rather the feeling of emptiness, and the overwhelming sense that only my past defines who I am. However, this realisation didn’t feel new. As time started to have no meaning through the trip, thoughts and emotions felt both new yet old at the same time; as if I could feel the ripples of the splash before I had arrived at the center of the impact.

I decided to let go again and enjoy the ride. However, I was finding it hard to contain myself, which might have clashed with the energy of the rest of the circle I found myself making those cosmic jokes that the sober don’t seem to get. Kai reminded me a few times to try and consider the inward experiences the others were having, and how my projections could affect that. At first I found it difficult to accept, as I thought my “positive energy” would benefit the others; but then I realised that it was more my fading ego trying to hold on for dear life. With this clarity I was able respectfully contain my energy. I still had a laugh with Kai and Yulia, however, as I felt such an incredible sense of joy.

The high eventually started to wear down after an hour, and so I topped up with another 7ml. Nothing spectacular happened, other than an extended high. Lucy however, was continuously purging. I tried my best not to interfere, telling myself then she can take care of herself; what she was going through was important, and it would actually be selfish of me to interfere. Instead, I mentally sent positive vibes to try and help her energy; it was for my own energy as well as hers. I found myself purging as well, however, mine manifested as movement. My body was dancing and moving in beautiful waves, and I couldn’t even tell where my body ended and started.

A few revelations I had during the first trip:
- I am god. I created the universe from a piece of myself and blanketed it in reality and physics in order to slow time down and observe myself as I sink deep and deeper into the fractals. Everything is a projection of my mind.
- I AM the universe. I’ve just been looking inside my own great mind from the very beginning, trying to unfold myself to see what I truly am, which is pure energy with unlimited potential. By looking inward, I am also looking outward. Numbers and words are just the eventual universal language.
- The universe constantly seems to exist as every being in the universe is an incarnation of the same universal consciousness projecting their reality to keep things in ‘existence’.
- Existence is inevitable. Whether or not I find existence meaningful or meaningless, it doesn’t even matter. Because I/we/all must exist in order to answer the great paradox, ‘how can there be nothing if there wasn’t something in the first place?’
- Time really is relative. Each second I’m experiencing is just a fraction within a fraction within a fraction times infinity.
- Everything is bigger than everything else, and is also smaller than everything else. While something bigger than me may seem to move slower than I do, and something smaller than me may seem to move faster, the same applies to both the bigger and the smaller observers (this may seem obvious, but I was actually able to experience this in action).
- Everything is contained within everything, which is also contained within everything.
- My trauma is created by me, in a round about way. Everyone I’ve hurt is me hurting myself. Everyone that’s ever hurt me, is still me hurting myself. I am the only one who can manifest my own love and happiness. And I do this by creating my own suffering to overcome it and to evolve. The pain stops with me, and only me, but I must experience the pain to even know what it is I am meant to overcome. This is evolution of the spirit.
- I am a playful and cheeky spirit. I love seeing the funny side of things, and so EVERYTHING is funny (not in a malicious way, more of a, ‘well ain’t that a kick in the head?’ way). Everything is just one big hilarious, beautiful and infinite joke.

Midnight arrived, and thus marked the end of the first trip. What seemed like 12 hours, was only around 5 or 6. We all got up, hugged, had a smoke, then sat back down on our mattresses.

Now, we arrive at the beginning of the second trip. Before the next cup, however, Kai and Yulia went around and blew Rapé (pronounced ha-PAY) up our noses. When it was my turn for more Aussihuasca, I decided on taking 18ml (3ml more than the standard third dose). Now things get really fucking interesting.

It hit within 5 minutes, and it was glorious. Time began to slow down even more. Between each breath, it felt as if time stood still had. When I came out of each wave, I continued to dance, and every song that played invoked different styles of dancing. The more tribal songs that played for instance, connected me to my Filipino side, and so the dance moves were more tribal. The more acoustic and orchestral music reflected through me as more interpretative dance moves etc. (Heart’s a Mess by Gotye was a real emotional rollercoaster).

When I opened my eyes, every spectrum of colour was combined, which made everyone appear as monochrome. The space around me was also moving. Colours would only separate through trails when I was looking at my hands move. I also felt as if I created the music I was listening to, through another incarnation, for me to help me through the trip in my relative present. I also felt as if I was neither alive nor dead, which formed more into the realisation that there’s no such thing as life or death, but rather the ending of a cycle and the beginning of the next.

Within the second hour of the trip I started singing, beatboxing, and even throat singing like the Tibetan monks do (whether I nailed it not is another question). This brought me to the second intention that I had, but never mentioned aloud. I wanted to find my creativity again, and my love for expression. I discovered that I had a way of contextualising the universe and all the beauty within through my words, though my movements, and through my voice. I also have a unique way of capturing these things through film, photographs and through my writing. It was beautiful. I’m beautiful, and I didn’t even know what beauty truly meant until that moment.

I was constantly focusing on my breathing, in order to help me through each wave. There were times however where I was so deep in thought, that I would forget to breathe. This is also an issue I have in my normal waking state. Reminding myself that my mind and my psyche need to work together, instead of trying to take over one another did help.

Further into the rest of the second trip, I was swapping between masculine and feminine states. The masculine side of me was observing the universe, and all the funny little intricacies of it all. I found myself doing impressions of a dad falling asleep in front of the tv, and when the song would change, I would say, “why’d you turn that off, I was watching that. I wasn’t asleep, I was just resting my eyes.” It cracked me up constantly.

I also found myself embracing my Aussie bloke side (I’d imagine it be a different type of chill redneck figure, depending on the culture you’re from). I was just sitting back realising that being that guy with a beer in hand, sitting on an esky (cooler) just having a laugh is truly good vibe to be in.

When I was embracing my feminine side, I was dancing and moving with the waves of the universe. I was feeling myself, and how wonderful I am. I was able to learn to truly love myself (not in the way of vanity, but true love as an energy within the laws of attraction).

I then thought about my girlfriend, and was reminded of the end of the road during my last DMT experience. During that time, I looked at her asleep next to me, and saw her as Aya. She was the most beautiful spirit I had ever seen (she looked both young and ancient, and there was this pure energy emanating from her); and so back in the 2021 trip, I began to miss her. I suddenly felt a craving for a hug from her. I then hugged myself instead, after embracing this love for myself that I had rediscovered (crazy thing is, she told me the next day that she kept thinking of me hugging around the same time of the night. She was blown away when I told her of that coincidental moment).

A few more revelations I had during the second trip:
- Beauty is creation. It’s what Bhudda had talked about as being the true miracle. It’s everywhere, it is always around us, and it’s what we have created for ourselves to enjoy and to serve our needs. Beauty is everything fitting together in an equilibrium. It is the order within chaos. We provide the method to our own madness.
- Creation is thought. Thoughts are energy in motion. When energy ceases to move, its velocity increases to infinite, and so it fades out of what I knew as existence. However, this does not mean that the energy is destroyed. It just phases to the infinite, which is just the barrier to the other side of the mirror. Energy then phases into a parallel universe. Nothing truly dies, it is just “resting in peace”.
- This creation through manifestation transcends time. Actions we make now affect both the future and the past, much like a rock creating waves in the river. The ripples travel in all directions, and as they intersect with other ripples from other rocks affecting the surface of the river, they intersect, and this is what we know as reality.
- The subject (the father) and the reflection (the son) are both the same and different sides of the mirror; always parallel, yet always opposite. Both must connect in the center to transcend and become the third observer (the Holy Spirit). Through the medicine, my mind (the subject) and the psyche (the reflection) can achieve this. I can also achieve this state through the meditation I have been doing for the last year and a half.
- The realm I was in is the end of the road. It is a 'quantum realm' of sorts where time no longer exists, ego no longer exists and the soul is free of a physical shell (in other words, a slice of the afterlife). The voice that communicated with me is a being of the realm who welcomed and embraced me. While this seems to contradict the last revelation, this is something I simply cannot explain other than by saying, I was my own DMT elf for the night.
- Even though my mind and the psyche are now one through this experience, they must eventually separate back into reality in order to to avoid my mind collapsing in on itself. This applies to the universe, it must separate from the metaphysical in order to exist. Those who are stuck in this state are what the rest of the world perceive as “mentally ill”. The price of reality however is that these things I have learned, I will never truly understand again until I’m back.
- The man is the woman, and the woman is the man…lol
- Even though I forget these things, that does not mean that the evolution and residual energy cannot stay with me to allow me to achieve great and wonderful things.

At 3am on the dot, the music stopped, and Kai announced the end of the trip. I stood up, embraced Kai, then embraced Yulia. I released that I was almost trying to avoid Yulia’s attention during the night. I then attributed this aversion to issues I’ve had with mother figures in the past. My own mother had walked out of my life, my step mother then walked out of my life few years later, and then my girlfriend’s mother whom I had a strong connection with had died just a few years prior. I’ve also had issues with people attempting to be a surrogate mother or father figure, as I had always seen those people as only trying to project their own paternal and maternal insecurities onto me.

However, Yulia’s intention was just that of pure love, and so I pushed myself to give her a big hugging embrace which felt wonderful. We then had another smoke break, and then sat down at the dinner table. We all ate some vegetable soup and buttered toast, which was just fucking perfect. We had a chat for about an hour, and then one by one, we all went to bed. My sleep was more of a 6 hour coma; and that morning, I woke up feeling wonderful.

Throughout this experience, I've realised that I already have the willpower and the potential to achieve great things; I just need to stop getting in me own way. My lack of motivation for things isn’t laziness, it’s just fear of failing.

I look forward to the next circle, which will be in a couple of months.