I've taken psychedelics four times. Every time, I feel some shift. There's a place in my mind I'm not allowed, where I somehow know all the answers are. But I'm not allowed.

The first time, I remembered it was there, something I sometimes forget. But I got, "Not now". And that was fine! I felt happy, and peaceful. Like I was at the start of an adventure, rather than at the end, unfulfilled. I felt warm, and happy, for the first time in a long time. It wasn't much, but it was the first ember of a warm sun, or so I thought.

The second time, I felt very cerebral. Like I had to do work to get there. "Not now". But someday. And I spent all day researching ontology and metaphysics. It wasn't fun, but it was at least... Productive.

The third time all I got was "Not now". Something wanted to come out, but it was stopped. "Not now". And then I felt nothing, and it felt like that "new journey" had come to an end. I cried, I screamed, I hurt myself, and nothing happened.

Today is the fourth time. Again, "Not now". Not just that, but, "Why are you trying? The journey's over." And now there's no effect at all. No warmth. No emotion. Just a vague difficulty focusing my vision and nothing else. That flicker of warmth at the first try? That was it. That was all. It wasn't the first sign of something beautiful. It was it. And then it ended. Psychedelics don't do anything anymore. I may as well stop taking them.

"Not now". I feel the same thing when I try to meditate. Or when I try to watch something I've been looking forward to for years. Or when I try to spend time with a friend. "Not now." And if I keep pushing, nothing happens. I watch the thing and feel numb. I hang out and feel exhausted and go home feeling worse.

I've been waiting to live for years. But, "Not now".

I want to believe there really is something behind that impenetrable wall that I just know there's something behind. But when can I see it? I don't have a concept of what it might be. And all I ever get it "Not now". The best answer I ever get is "Not now, but someday."

But that's a lie, isn't it? There is nothing there, is there? Only this... Behind that wall... There is no "behind", is there? I just want to believe there is because I know living isn't meant to feel like this. But maybe it is?

I hesitated taking psychedelics for years because they were my last hope to ever see what was behind that wall in my mind. I was terrified I'd take them and just hear "Not now" again. And I did. Before taking them, I could pretend "Not now, but someday". But that's not true, is it? Not now, and not ever. There is nothing there. And then I'll die, and everything will just... Stop.

The more I learn, the more I realise there is nothing out there but disappointment.