Today I got a text from my dad that he was in the hospital. He had a seizure at work and just a thought of him not being here and being gone and showing me just how hard life can be sometimes and just how shallow and fake I am and that I don’t embrace my emotions. I try to be what I’m not all the time and I try to mask my emotions.

For my dad I hope this is a wake up call. I guess you could say, I hoped for it my whole life with him that he would wake up and stop drinking. And that maybe he could see life in a different light. I do care about him like a lot, but it’s so hard because he just throws his whole life away. My whole life I’ve been saying I don’t care about anything but I do care. I care about him.

I’m sorry y’all I don’t have anybody to vent you about this. I feel so alone it hurts. What’s very weird about all of this is I have been questioning what death is and I think I have an idea. Just after feeling this.

I do care about life about how I feel about the well-being of others and I’m sick of pretending like I don’t.