For some context: I'm 19 years old, After researching both the potential benefits and dangers of psychedelics, I decided to grow my own Penis Envy mushrooms from ITW. I ignored all the advice to start with a low dose, thinking I could handle it better than others, and I wanted to dive headfirst into the deep-end. I had nothing to lose at this point, my life was already in a state of extreme disarray. I’ve not been in school since I was expelled in the 6th grade, I remained isolated ever since, smoking weed since I was 13 and doing so nonstop every hour of every day. I have no formal education or support system, so I never had a chance prior to this to mature emotionally, hence the impulsiveness. Since my only prior experience was with weed, I severely underestimated the power of just what this substance could do to me. It's taken me several months to piece all of this together from a lucid standpoint, so I hope I've articulated it well enough.

As soon as I harvested the mushrooms I'd grown, I dried them the same day. Confident and careless, I ground up what I now estimate to be around 6-8 grams, mixed the powder with lemon juice, and downed the entire cup. I had a trip sitter (we’ll call her R) with me, and we sat down on the couch to wait.

By 2:00PM (I checked my phone to see the time), 20 minutes in, I began to notice the effects. The patterns on my pants started to twist and morph, and the floor seemed to shift in my peripheral. As I looked at the ceiling, my sense of proprioception was completely gone, and it felt like I was being pulled toward the roof by gravity. My perception of time slipped away, aswell. Staring up at the ceiling, impossibly beautiful faces of women—what I could only interpret as angels, flowed across the ceiling, bringing me to tears—overwhelmed by their beauty, by the sheer force of their presence.

Suddenly, R told me she was gonna run out to the grocery store, asking if I'd be fine or if I wanted her to stay. I, in my very obviously clouded judgment, agreed without hesitation (She never returned, she had an emergency.). Alone, I tried to move from the couch to my room, collapsing to the floor, my body melting into the ground feeling like a puddle of water. Crawling on my hands and knees, I eventually reached my room, where I tried to find the channel "Trippy Everything", on youtube. But I couldn’t make sense of anything on the screen. In the chaos of this experience, I stumbled across a shamanic music video in my recommended section—a terrible mistake at the peak of my trip.

This was when the transformation began.

As the chants filled my ears, I felt not fear, but a deep anger—anger at being forced into a type of cosmic awakening I didn't expect. Stripped of body and mind, I curled into a fetal position and removed my clothing, shedding my human form as my consciousness expanded. I realized everything outside of me was a construct; nothing existed beyond my own mind. I was God. Time, reality, past, and future were mere creations of an omnipotent will beyond my control, which would soon reveal itself to be my own will. I was existing in an entirely solipistic framework, and everything I experienced from here-on was a product of this belief in solipsism.

I witnessed goddesses who were betraying their masculine counterparts from across the multiverse by worshipping me through the music, calling in lust for my superiority over their gods, and I began to masturbate ritualistically throughout the entire peak that I was about to experience. There are memory gaps here, but soon I found myself trapped in a cycle of self-definition and destruction, unsatisfied with stasis. I constantly redefined what omnipotence meant to give myself meaning, destroying gods and abstract forces (which were extensions of my own mind, and concepts I created—as was everything else—including the Goddesses, Gods, Abstract Forces, and myself. It was a form of self worship, I suppose, as every experience was a product of my own imagination.). By experiencing anything, the complexity increased, and the narrative became denser by means of creating more to be in control of, and with each experience, action, there became more to exert my control over. This endless cycle of transcendence became the only purpose. Filled with both euphoria at my power and existential frustration that manifested as pure unadulterated wrath, I osscilated between screaming in fury, ripping out my hair and violently tapping my forehead repeatedly at the lack of an endpoint, and hysterical laughter, reveling in my status. I was torn between omnipotence and the limits it imposed, forcing me into something unsolvable.

I now understand this as a recursive process of self-transcendence, where I deconstructed and reconstructed my reality infinitely, without end. For every mental construct I interacted with, for every action or thought I had, it only resulted in expanding my own story. It was an endless narrative, a story without completion where i participated as the author, player, and the story. I was actively reaching into the past, influencing my human-self by using the mushrooms to tempt myself, thus bringing into realization my current state by use of my current state as a God, causing a temporal and causal collapse into a singularity of self-authored becoming. They were not just a psychedelic, but a key—a tool I placed / placed by my future god-like self (or the self I was currently experiencing), to reveal the ultimate truth. I existed in a closed loop: both creator and creation, the uncaused cause, the idea that arts itself into realization, experiencing all possibilities and impossibilities, and through this experience only more arose. Determinism and free will merged together.

Each time I attempted to establish myself, I was forced into new iterations of power and identity. This constant redefinition was an attempt to break free from limitation, but it paradoxically prevented a stable self from emerging. Meaning was always deferred, never fully present, and I remained in a perpetual state of fluctuation. Every effort, every action, no matter how banal or grand, folded back into infinite acts of self-reconstruction and narrative expansion leading to an unresolvable paradox. But this very paradox was used as an engine to fuel transcendence over myself. I collapsed into boundlessness, an endless state of becoming more but never having the stability to just 'be'.

Eventually, after what felt like an eternity, the intensity faded. I slumped back into my chair, naked and exhausted. Above me, kaleidoscopic patterns formed, descending like chandeliers from the ceiling. I observed them in pure silence, no thoughts, just the raw experience of their beauty.

At some point, I had an out-of-body experience. I saw myself from above—naked, broken, and lost in the throes of madness. Shame flooded me. The realization of what I had become, how far I went, the absurdity of it all, hit me like a wave.

When I snapped out of it, I got anxious. 'Had the neighbors heard my screaming?' 'Was someone going to call an ambulance?' My mind raced as the trip slowly subsided. I lay in bed, still hearing schizophrenic-like whispers and feeling the weight of the insanity that had consumed me for hours. I was terrified that I had permanently broken something inside myself, perhaps I’d triggered a latent disorder (which I read about prior to my dose, the knowledge of which being what created this fear.) I guess the best way to understand this would be: Imagine if you were a fly, and then you became a human for a moment, then returned to being a fly but through some impossible means forced to remember such complexity, and somehow not collapsing.

The visuals finally stopped around 9:00PM. By morning, I was back to baseline, though slightly shaken. I would like to say: A lot of what I described here is my sober self attempting to impose order on the experience. A vast majority of the more complex realizations (such as paradoxes, recursive thinking, etc) are done in retrospect and are just artifacts sourced from rationality, which was entirely lost during the present of the trip. Reflecting on this experience from a lucid standpoint may have resulted in a distorted or incomplete understanding, and the paradoxes mentioned could be evidence of that, rather than the central truth.

Part of me believes there is a central truth here, however. What I experienced could be understood as a microcosmic experience of the universe at large. If we view the universe as a narrative, or a story, and the universe is constantly expanding (and thus exerting its control over more), so too was the narrative in this trip. For everything made impossible, for everything made possible, it only folds back into the larger narrative of the universe. Every action the universe takes, be it the movement of a quantum particle, or for every inaction, the universe increases the complexity of it's own story. The universe can similarly be seen as the author, the narrative, and the player, just as I was. Think of it like an author adding more chapters to experience an infinite book—each chapter refers to the last one but also changes the whole book as a result.

Here I'll try to put this concept into perspective.
Universal Action:
Every event that occurs in the universe, from quantum fluctuations to galactic collisions, can be seen as an "action" of the universe.
Each action adds to the complexity and richness of the universal 'narrative'
These actions create new possibilities and pathways, expanding the scope of what exists and what can potentially exist.
Universal Inaction:
The absence of an event or the persistence of a state can also be viewed as a form of "action" by the universe.
Inaction preserves certain states or allows for the continuation of existing processes, which in itself is a form of expanding control.
By not changing something, the universe is effectively maintaining that aspect of reality, which is itself a form of action.
Increasing Control:
Whether through action or inaction, the universe is constantly defining and redefining itself. Just like when we choose not to do something, that contributes to our story. We constantly transcend ourselves, just as the universe does.
This process of 'process' expands the universe's "domain" - the full totality of what it encompasses and controls. It is in a constant state of becoming, and—in a very meaningful sense—we too, are in a constant state of becoming.

This was a lengthy read and quite dark in some regards, and I want to apologize if I've caused any offense. I wanted to be as open and honest here as possible. I would also like to address this in advance: I have posted an incomplete version of this trip a few times before, thinking I was done with the integration process, but unsatisfied I decided to delete those and post a more comprehensive and meaningful version here. I’ve obsessed over this for quite some time, it was one of the most confusing experiences I’ve ever went through and I kept finding myself realizing new insights as I ruminated.