I haven't had a true bad trip ever. The worst trip is the lightest trip, a trip I barely feel.

I've suffered from depression since I was 7 years old, so my mind is a bad trip. When I catch myself thinking about my life and how I feel on psychedelics, I notice the effects are lessened, I get zero visuals and my mindset is normal, boring and stable. Yet so so sad.

At some point, psychedelics helped me with my depression, reinstated my love for science, helped me see the beauty in the world. Not anymore.

I have ASD and I don't react normally to anything other than alcohol and 2cb. My normal dose of lsd is 4 tabs, and I had a 5g harmalas and 5g PE shroom trip that felt very mild to me. I found 6 tabs of lsd to be underwhelming. I never broke through on DMT even with emesh and 60mg. MDMA lacks euphoria. Ketamine is a hell drug for me. Cannabis barely effects me and I need to smoke half a gram to feel high.

This makes me feel broken. I see all these people have strong spiritual and life changing experiences, ineffable beauty, geometry, visuals. I don't get any of this. I suffer from anhedonia for two years now, even trying opioids I felt nothing.

I love psychedelics, I really do, but they always make me feel broken, like something is wrong with me and my body and I hate it. I hate how expensive it is to have my tolerance, I hate how something that was more effective than therapy and medications in the past is now just a source of discontentment.

That's how I'd describe my trips. Uncomfortable and discontented. Maybe I should accept I have a high tolerance, I am planning on doing a tenstrip soon, but my biggest fear isn't a bad trip, it's not tripping hard enough. Every time I do psychedelics I feel disappointed and stuck. I feel like I'm just doomed to be suicidal and depressed forever, with no relief. You think 12 years of therapy has helped me? barely.

I need something to fix my stupid brain chemistry.