Have had an extremely difficult time growing up. To add onto already existing issues, my mother killed herself last October. I haven't really been living since then, just existing, doing the bare minimum. I never really feel happy, hopeful, or excited anymore.

I have tripped shrooms a handful of times (4-5 times) since my mothers death. I haven't done a large amount (most i've done was 1.7 grams of really potent albino penis envies, i am extremely sensitive to mushrooms, was getting a shitload of visuals off this dose, it was kind of a strong trip but manageable) the other times i took .5g-1g of potent penis envies while snowboarding or attending a concert. Have been nervous to take more than 2g due to my sensitivity and negative mental state.

The first time I took shrooms after her death, I had an hour or so where I sat and thought about what had happened and tried to accept it. After that difficult hour, I resumed snowboarding and had a wonderful rest of my trip and began to feel really positive about my life and my future. When i woke up the next morning, it was like all the positive feelings I had I was unable to feel again, and I was overwhelmed with the negative emotions I had pre-trip.

I only thought about my mother for a long period of time on my first trip. Every trip after that the mushrooms have allowed me to really enjoy the present moment and have a wonderful, happy time. But when I wake up the next morning, I can no longer live in the present or feel any sort of happiness or hope. It almost feels like I am so traumatized that it is impossible for me to integrate the positive realizations that came to me about my life, my self, and the world while I was tripping because as soon as the mushrooms wear off, the trauma and depression kicks back in.

I have also became a much worse alcoholic since my mother died. I'm sure that plays a part in this somehow.

Has anyone had experience with something like this or happen to have any advice? It would be greatly appreciated.

TLDR: Have heavy trauma and depression issues. When I take even just a small dose of shrooms (.3-.5) it allows me to live in the present moment and feel happiness. I feel like it almost puts me back in touch with my true self (a very happy, goofy person). When shrooms wear off, I am no longer able to live in the present or be happy. Looking for similar stories/advice.