I wouldn't say that I've hit a lowpoint in life or anything like that. I wasn't necessary on any sort of spiritual or philosophical path prior to this trip (since I've taken a high of mushrooms once before).

I think that I used to be depressed and I've always felt a sort of distance between myself and others from how I see it. I didn't make much of the feeling since I thought (and still do tbh) that I was just overthinking and just being stubborn in not taking people at face value.

Since then, I've felt that I've kept a good check on my mental health and not to let my mind drift too far and become lost. It's hard to explain what that means to me but I'd say lose all sense of attachment to people and things around me. I sometimes feel like apathy is just around the corner in my head.

Since 18, I've been drifting job to job and now, I'm currently in University. The first two years have been a bit rough but I haven't felt the urge to escape or jump onto something else. I've taken that as a sign that this is what I want for myself (atleast for the time being). I'd rather not make promises to myself and get the satisfaction of something before achieving it.

That being said, I'd like to focus on the fact that I've always had trouble with my emotions and feelings. I can feel emotions but I've had trouble either managing them and often times, even knowing why I'm feeling them. I've often spiraled when feeling down (or possibly depressed/manic?) because I don't know what brought them onto me and how to relieve myself of that emotion. I could discuss that further but I think I would be lying if I gave any sort of explanation since I still don't fully understand my emotions and how to manage them.

If anyone would like to speak about that further, feel free to ask. I'll try my best to answer any questions.

I've taken the next semester off and decided to focus on myself and become more mentally and financially stable. While I don't feel like leaving university, I've think I've invested to much of myself into it and I'm slowly spiralling again. (Thoughts that: I'm falling behind everyone, what if I can't graduate, what if I have nothing to show of myself etc.)

I should clarify that I'm 28 and in the middle of the first year of university.

With more free time now, I got the thought to take mushrooms and try to medidate while tripping. I handled myself well the last time and thought I could do the same this time too.

I can get more into the details if anyone's interested but to sum it up, I saw my thoughts as intense visuals that took over my whole vision. After a bit of acceptance of the moment, I was able to control my thoughts which controlled the visions.

Also, the stomach pains were horrible. I should've ate something before taking the mushrooms.

At the peak on the trip, I went into some sort of interdimensional looking room and there were beings that I couldn't see but felt their presence. In the room, I find out that the beings were all child like (I don't what the right word would be) and they were all subservient to a Boss being (can't explain that one either). This one put an intense feeling of surrender into me and this immediately put me on alert. I felt suspicious of this feeling and pushed back against it. The moments that I gave in slightly put me into a state of pure bliss and happiness. Again, this made me scared of what this thing was and what it wanted in return. Eventually, it gave up and let me tag along for a walk/trip (don't know the right word again). The sensation of happiness was still there by the fact that I was simply in that room, which was nice, but it wasn't as strong as when the Boss being tried to have me surrender to it.

Also forgot to mention, throughout the whole trip, I felt like I was competely disconnected from reality and that I was just a soul, concept. Something more abstract and unreal but still real in its own way?

Once I came down, I was sleepy and confused. Not much to say there. I just watched some youtube shorts until the feeling of being abstract went away then I slept.

Since then though, I've been feeling strange and this is the reason why I posted this.

Well first, I'd like to understand why I saw what I did and I'd like to hear other people's experiences so that I can try to make sense of my own. Asking people around me and checking out posts here, I see that people will give into the surrendering feeling (surrender as the term that I interpret the feeling as).

Now that's it's been a couple of days. There's a couple of strange sensations that have lingered in me.

I've had a lump in my chest like it's anxiety since then. It won't go away but coupled with a strange mental clarity, it's not bothering me as such a feeling normally would. It feels like it's tied to something that I need to do since it does alleviate a bit when I start on my tasks and working towards my goals. Sorry to leave that vague, they're pretty standard goals: finances, school, career etc.

I also feel like I'm slightly floating? I think this is part of the clarity thing I mentioned but my mind feels like a giant empty space where the room in the trip was and now I can choose what I want in there. It's a feeling of being distant but also aware at the same time of what's happening around me and to me.

Another is seeing aesthetic. I've never had a lack of appreciation for good music or art. Maybe art not so much, but it feels like everything has an aesthetic to it when I experience it. For example, I was looking off onto the highway during night time and it looked beautiful. I listened to some music and I could almost feel it? That is a bit harder to explain for me. I found myself staring off into the distance once when I put on some earbuds and played some classical music.

I also feel less tolerant of violence/negativity. Negative things bother me more for some reason even if it isn't happening to me. I understand that this is a self diagnosis but I don't I've had that feeling as in the forefront as this before the trip.

I can also manage my feelings I think. If I feel stressed or bothered, I mentally swipe through any problems that I have at the moment with a solution to it until one of them makes the stress go away.

I'm still observing myself since then and seeing how I feel but to sum it all up:

1. I feel distant but clear headed

2. There's a weird lump of anxiety in me that isn't really bothering me but I don't like it

3. I think I'm experiencing an elevated level of empathy. Emphasis on the "I think"

That's been my experience so far and I have some questions if anybody would like to answer.

Has anybody tried to fight off the trip/boss thing like I did?

Why can I feel different things after the trip but not understand what they all mean?

Why didn't the trip feel like it was my mind experiencing itself (as others have said) and instead, it felt like I was in some other place that had nothing to do with me?

If anybody would like to have a chat about this, I'd appreciate it. Thank you