Sorry, very long post, it's also a way to rant/journal and get it out.

Trip report(chatgpt version at the bottom): sorry for the lack of timestamps, also the report don't include the comeup(we were just vibing and he facetimed his friend for a long time then i started tripping and he had to deal with his mom calling him apparently while i was all fucked up in thought loops listening to music) Btw he's 18 and i'm 20

Set: I'm fine and excited to trip with him, not anxious but ik lsd can make me anxious and fuck up my memory, give me thoughts loops and i'm not familiar with the house which is super big and confusing especially on acid, also i live in the city so i didn't have the codes of places where everyone knew eachother so it got me feeling even more anxious during the trip

Setting: Very bad for me but i didn't know and i was dumb, should've stayed sober trip sitting him or shouldn've take the whole tab, i thought since there's nature around and the house is cool so it's fine but there was his two rural step-brother who can't know we trip but idk why i wasn't worried about that, i think he told me they were going to be in their room gaming so it'll be fine, (they ended up making dinner and he wasn't telling me something was wrong but i knew something was off so i got super anxious, even had to facetime their family, i think their brother told them we were doing something weird, felt super guilty but he told me it was fine and he was used to deal with this stuff)

We took acid at his house on sunday at 2pm and the trip ended at 3pm the day after when i had to leave, it was a bad trip for me because i got anxious since he then told me i had to act sober infront of his brother and didn't wanted them to know we were doing drugs, i felt huge guilt bcs i started acting weird and he had to deal with their reaction, i was also feeling guilty because i took more than him and i felt like i was the one being trip sitted even tho he has very few psychedelic experiences which were all mild but i didn't know that, anyways i ended up agreeing to drop some molly but i wasn't aware of the timing, *during the roll he told me he has suicidal ideations and psychosis(he also told me he had visuals when he was sober but it was just him being delusional bcs of the lsd or maybe he has hppd bcs of mdma abuse idk) and i was the onlyone he felt safe to tell because he knew i wouldn't stigmatize him because my brother has schizophrenia and i'm openminded about mental health issues, we then directly went out to get the dog for a walk, had fun with his brothers and the dog and i wasn't super worried,

(also during the whole week he was making me listen to songs he likes a lot because he relates to the lyrics, the lyrics are HARDCORE SAD like emo self-harm drug abuse psychosis suicide etc and he told me he's the only one listening to those songs among his friends and he said they don't know he listen to thoses songs, anyways just setting the picture)

but i felt quite bad for him and felt anxious about his brother knowing if we were high (they ended up making dinner and he wasn't telling me something was wrong but i knew something was off so i got super anxious, even had to facetime their family, i think their brother told them we were doing something weird, felt super guilty but he told me it was fine and he was used to deal with this stuff) but it really got worse when i agreed to do 3-ho-pcp with him because he told me he wasn't feeling high enough, btw since the begining of the trip(except during the roll) i was anxious and super self conscious about my mucus and sinuses and snot and spit in mouth like i felt aware of all that and felt like i had to puke and spit and couldn't burp or swallow, so i went to the bathroom dozens times to feel better and stop focusing on those sensations, felt bad about not being with him in his room to listen to music and watch video clips, the 3-ho-pcp helped a bit.

Got even worse when he wanted to get high on opiates meds(cancer treatment he told me) i think i said ok when i wasn't lucid then i urged him not to take it because of interactions and during those time i was a lot more lucid, then i got anxious about him and he told me when he uses he doesn't care about risks(he also did big doses of xanax alcohol days before),

So during the rest of the trip(towards the end) i was supeeer anxious about him and his mental health(i mean i felt worried for him during almost the whole trip) and felt frictions between us too especially at the end when i had to take the train to go back to the city and i saw he was acting super weird like singing and joking randomly about random stuff even said a joke about pedophilia(i thought he was joking about me because he mentioned the 'BAFA' which is a licence to work with kids at daycare center and we talked about passing it, and i got even more sad and anxious, it's also worse since i used to have some intrusive thoughts about pedophilia when i was anxious)

Anyways he was acting super weird even around his brothers, thinking outloud singing, i had to take the train but he felt so fucked up and manic and weird, he said he wanted to go see a girl and i was asking him if he was going to be okay in his state and he said yes, i think he wasn't as high as i thought and i was just paranoid but i told him i could stay longer and take an other train a pay more, he said i shouldn't use more money but probably wanted me out because i was being annoying so i got to the trainstation hichhiking(btw before that we had big trouble comunicating and he was seeming like he felt irritated and i was calmly asking if he was going to be alright, he told me irritated that we were on two different vibe, me chill and him agitated but idk.

Once i got home in Paris after the long bus ride(i slept) i got to my room and just broke down in tears feeling helpless, i wanted my mom to come help me but i didn't wanted to ask for help, so i kept crying really baddly all the bottled up emotions and anguish and guilt and anxiety and trauma from the trip and i thought about a bunch of bad memories and my schizophrenic addict brother who i had to deal with my whole life and still now(he attempted suicide multiple times) and never realized how much he impacted my mental health because i just don't want to face my emotions, and i thought about other stuff but i couldn't think well so it was even worse and hard to process the emotions but crying my guts out really helped, then i felt better, but i got emotional very easily afterwards and cried again when i thought about my friend and the trip.

Right Now(thursday), I got really bad anxiety and paranoia at work(i do a state volunteer program with other persons of my age, it's not really work yet, just social cohesion stuff and learning about mental health crisis first aid methods) so i've been taking xanax to calm it down, now tappering.

Anyways i'm still very worried about my friend and anxious about our relationship, he's coming to Paris this weekend and i might see him, he was considering coming at a club/rave with me bcs there's one of his fav artist there (one of the artist that talk about mental health problems, quite niche and super talented, also talks a lot about psychedelics and drugs in his lyrics, my friend idealized/fantasized about doing psychs a bit bcs of the culture he consumes i think, he's very spiritual, reads a lot of herman hese, kundera and others, he's into christian stuff too but more spiritual side of it) anyways he tells me it's too expensive now and doesn't want me to pay for him, idk if he says that as an excuse to not come or if it really makes him uncomfortable like when i wanted to pay a pricier train tickets to stay with him.

How can i go about helping him and taking care of my mental health at the same time and cope with the badtrip and the info i have?

TL;DR:

During an LSD trip with a friend (18M) at his house, he admitted to struggling with suicidal ideation, psychosis, and substance abuse. The trip became a bad experience for me (20M) due to anxiety about acting sober around his family, guilt over the setting, and concern for his mental health. He later pushed for other substances (MDMA, 3-HO-PCP, and even opiates), worsening my anxiety as I worried about his risky behavior and mindset. [and i was coming down mdma probably btw]

After/at the end the trip, his erratic behavior and our strained communication left me feeling helpless, guilty, and overwhelmed, leading to an emotional breakdown at home[also because it relates to my personal problems with traumas and anxiety around my schizophrenic brother who's addicted and attempted suicide multiple times]. I’m still struggling with anxiety and paranoia [but self-medicating with benzos], worrying about his well-being and our relationship, especially as he plans to visit me soon.

I want to support him while managing my mental health and coping with the bad trip. How can I balance both?