How do I change that? Mind you when I was able to get psilocybin, I felt motivated, connected to the Earth, to everything. I was strong, had a drive etc., but when I get Spravato, I just think about how all of our struggles all of our efforts, still eventually lead to the inevitable. No one escapes it, no matter how high you climb the ladder, no matter how smart you are. No matter who you are, how much money you make, etc.,

But I want to think differently. I understand the concept of nihilism, I understand that everything eventually will end. But my end is not neigh, nor is it close, hopefully. Is it just my depression talking, but all I can think of, is when I inevitably get off disability after I get all of my medical stuff taken care of.

I’m just going to be another cog in the machine, I want to make music, want to do silly videos, but without money to promote them, without connections they get nowhere.

I just can’t make mindless content, wearing a dinosaur mask, doing the “next best” dance online, or whatever else becomes popular due to some inexplicable nonchalant lacking meaning reason.

But I crave to live a good life, reasonable accommodations, an automobile that’s a bit higher end than normal, but even when I envision that being accomplished. What is it I will feel then? If I look out into my country estate, with my fleet, will I still feel this way inside? Is it my ADHD? The lack of drive, the lack of meaning, the lack of dopamine?

I know how depression affects me but this, this is something completely different. Psychomotor retardation, slumped shoulders, feeling empty/lonely/meaningless.

But that’s not what I see all the time anymore, when I’m on antidepressants I feel wired, motivated, driven. But when I utilize psychedelics I feel broken, alone, but in a complete realization of how much lacking in meaning life truly represents…