I am posting this here because I love psychedelics and I feel like this community might be able to offer more optimism and help than other subs. I haven't touched lsd since I took it to escape from suicidal thoughts, I had a neutral trip, it didn't make me any better but it didn't make me worse. I was suicidal all the same. I did do 2cb over the weekend which helped me a bit though.

I have a lot of willpower and really want to get better. Despite battling depression for so long I cannot remember what it is like to be happy, I know I cannot give into it.

I have tried: therapy, medication, meditation, psychedelics, ketamine, exercise, diet, sleep, volunteer work

I have: stable loving relationship, numerous good close friends, academic success, a position at my #1 lab, a decent mother

Sooooo, why is that no matter how hard I try and how much I stick to things despite everything being a matter of will-power that I still wake up everyday wishing I was never born? Please help. I follow every piece of advise and when I went to therapy, I literally took notes and watched lectures on CBT and stuff and did all my homework.

Edit: I love neuroscience and see it as my purpose. That is why I have all that academic success.