Yesterday, I had the most terrifying trip of my life. I should also mention I have CPTSD and was feeling very “off” inside in the morning. Emotionally overwhelmed and chaotic even. I also had WAY too much caffeine during the day and only ate a bowl of cereal at lunchtime. Normally, I will eat between 1.5 and 3g but yesterday I decided to dose with a 1.5 in a tea. Usually this hits hard and fast and oh my glob did it ever last night.

After I drank my tea, I decided to shower and I started to get dizzy and lightheaded while in the tub so I finished up quickly and retreated to my bed like I normally do with my headphones to ease into the trip.

However, I quickly realized there would be NONE of that tonight! I tried to soothe myself by sitting up and rocking back and forth as this usually helps. Not this time. I paced around our apartment for a few minutes and that only helped momentarily. Finally, my partner sat me down so we could talk it out. I was trying too hard to control my trip and I KNEW it but physically could not let go. Something else was going on. But I didn’t know what.

Suddenly, a wave of terror hit me and I ran to the bathroom and threw up. I felt ok again for another couple of minutes but got right back on the terror train only moments later. I started drinking copious amounts of water, tried to eat something, did my EFT tapping to ground myself, took a B vitamin, and even started drinking milk to try and kill this horrifying ride.

I was convinced at this moment that if I went to sleep I would never wake up, that I had gone into permanent psychosis, and would die from malnutrition.

Over and over, hours and hours, stuck in these thought loops. Moments of calm and starting to let go and right back up the terror rollercoaster again.

I was desperate. I HAD to stop this. My partner talking me through things and everything else wasn’t working. Drank some activated charcoal. Nothing. Took a hydroxyzine tab. Nothing. By 8:30 I had convinced myself that I needed to go to the hospital. I’ve taken many psychedelics in my life but this was THE trip that had me convinced my life was ending.

It was especially triggering because the way I was feeling was akin to how I used to feel the morning after drinking heavily. (I am in recovery). Which I refer to as “hangxiety”. I thought fast and realized that my electrolytes may have been low so I drank some hot chicken broth and also popped another hydroxyzine with it. It had been 4 hours at this point.

Still stuck in my thought loop, I asked my partner to call a friend for us since I knew he would be sympathetic to my situation and I just felt I NEEDED someone else to tell me I wasn’t going to die if I went to sleep and that I was surely not in permanent psychosis.

After drinking my broth, talking some more, and an extra hydroxyzine, BAM!! Lightning struck. “You’re not a piece of shit, you’re going to get through this, and you will eat and sleep again,” my friend told me. The tears started pouring from my eyes, “I guess what I’m most afraid of is that something is going to go terribly, horribly wrong in my life and no one will be there to take care of me.” ABANDONMENT TRAUMA.

This is a major underlying factor of my CPTSD. And before then, I NEVER talked about it. Not even to therapists. It’s something that always carried great shame for me and I was too embarrassed to ever mention it to anyone.

I realized what was happening to me that day, even before I dosed. Inner child was “up” inside of me and feeling out of control. I went there and spoke out loud as what I call “hurt kid.”

“Hurt kid has a hard time being alone at home all day (I am disabled and not working right now). Hurt kid feels lonely and abandoned.”

“Hurt kid has a hard time going through life without parents.” (I don’t have a relationship with my dad and my mother has her own issues).

“Hurt kid has always had to depend on themselves.”

“Hurt kid feels like a burden.”

And in what seemed like only a few minutes, it was over. I felt free. I talked to my partner and my friend a bit more and FINALLY it was over.

Lizard brain finally communicated with logic brain on this deep-seated trauma last night. Friends, partner, chicken broth, hydroxyzine, mushroom tea and tears were apparently what was needed. I have finally moved through it. This wasn’t the trip I wanted, but what I NEEDED more than I ever could have anticipated. Profound.