Since August, I've tried 4x psilocybin to treat my dysthymia/mild depression, particularly constant rumination and sleep problems, and to let go of some issues that occupy my mind far too much. At the same time, I started with mindfulness meditation which is quite difficult for me. Neurologically speaking, I want reset and calmnm down my DMN. First time guided truffle session, I didn't feel anything due to my high tolerance. The second time truffles alone was emotionally very challenging as I very anxious and I ended up running to friend to chat. After that trip, I felt a bit opened up, but rather vulnerable, and with some mood swings. The third trip (alone) was less emotional challenging but again I ran to meet and chat with a friend. My last trip was guided with a high dose of mushrooms (8 gr Golden Teacher). The first 1-2 I was ruminating with thoughts like "What am I doing here? I cannot spend my time with psychedelics like a freak." Although I didn't feel anxious, it was probably some kind of resistence. Letting go, surrendering tonthe experience seems quite difficult for me. After about 2 hours, I just lay down on the floor and the thoughts just stopped. What followed was an hour of extreme calmness and bliss. I felt incredibly cozy, warm, joyful and at peace as nothing really mattered. Unfortunately, after an hour the thoughts came back and the peace was gone. The next day, I hardly felt any difference. Generally, I feel a little bit more open to my emotions after I started taking mushrooms, my libido increased and I drink less alcohol, but it didn't reduce rumination and restlessness or improve sleep and concentration. It didn't help me let go of my "problems" and hardly providedany insights. My experience is far from the "live changing experience" several studies report. Am I a non-responder or should I keep trying? If the latter, is it a hit-and-miss thing or do I have to learn to surrender to the experience? If I have to learn to surrender, what can I do to improve? I do not expect the one-trip-solves-everything but some progress over weeks or months.