I lost my girlfriend my family and a whole bunch of friends within the span of a few months they're all alive but sadly I feel dead. I was fighting for so long after realizing that my family was abusive and honestly felt like centuries of non-stop fighting tried to kill myself multiple times and after I left that abusive relationship I had enough will to sustain myself without the support of my friends but once that died out I felt really really alone and one of the reasons I felt that way was because my ex girlfriend wasn't there we had a huge fight one day and I blocked her from everything because I needed to work on myself I want to reiterate she's still alive but after I settled into my apartment and I realized that nothing was holding me back I decided to open up my feelings a little therapist started really acting horrible everyone blame me for everything that happened when they didn't even want to listen to my side of the story and after that I became so cold but then my ex came back I found her Snapchat and I wanted to wait on it to see if I could explain myself in a way that would make sense to her and then condense it because I talk so much I managed it and I sent the message and she wanted me back our friendship is able to be rebuilt now and that's all I ever wanted after I lost my brothers because they are loyal to the family she was all I had left sadly after that I realized how desperate I really was to actually have a family of my own not by procreation but by marriage or even just dating and getting to know someone would be good enough and I realized that my ex was the only person in Colorado that I could possibly do this with and because of that I really latched on to her I want her in my life and to this day I still do she is one of my best friends in the whole world like she has always been no matter what because I know her story no one else does but I do and reality of the situation is if I'm going to blame anyone for that break up it's literally my family screaming in my ear about what I'm doing wrong who they thought she was and everything else I hate them for that all I really want is her back I'm tired of not being able to feel anything and being in so much pain that a broken hand doesn't feel nearly as bad bad saying something all I'm saying is that I'm seeing God a hell of a lot like beerus at the deity honestly knows a hell of a lot more about things than a lot of people do he literally pushed Goku and broke him when he did he literally spared him and got him stronger after Goku finally was taught humility because he was just running around like an idiot is always thinking he was running shit that's why I like Vegeta better he knows his limits he just chooses to try to break them at every turn much like me I just hope that I have enough strength to stand against this thing I always bring the prayer shawl my ex gave me and my dead grandmother's rosary everywhere I go because I know if I have to interact with people it's going to be terrible if it's not then that's a nice surprise but I'm not counting on it all I really want is a future that makes me feel happy I guess that's the only prayer I have left is please God after this destruction please give me the strength to see creation