I've been through a lot of ups and downs with the churches I've attended. I feel judged and abused by the church, spiritually abused. My parents had a house church with some other families and I would attend even when I wasn't following their rules closely in my life, almost all of us kids were gone astray from what I understood at the time, but I see things differently now than I used to. I showed up one day and something changed, it was like I got hit in the head with a brick spiritually and when I left I had a ton of problems. Then they shut down the church shortly after. For some reason, I felt involved but I can't pinpoint how it's my fault. Now we are going to the church we went to when I was a child and I don't have the same negative feelings or feel responsible for it, but I feel like I have no place in the church, especially with my open minded perspectives. I still feel haunted by the past though. I don't know how to put it to rest, and I want to feel comfortable finding my own home church without the PTSD thing where I feel like something is going to go horribly wrong. I am also working on building a spiritual relationship with my significant other and I don't want my traumas or the church involvement to hinder that. There is more to this than I know how to communicate. Please pray for God's mercy in my life. Thank you.