I am in my 30s and now a FTM; my son is just over 1 month old. I have a long history of depression, and I am medicated. During pregnancy my mental health was surprisingly great and I felt very stable. But so much has changed since I gave birth. I have been experiencing episodes of sadness that don’t last too long, but they definitely happen. Part of me wishes I could go back to life before I got pregnant. I also don’t think I love my son the way I’m supposed to, and that makes me feel like a terrible mother and human being in general. I do love him, but I don’t think I feel that “wow this is the best thing that’s ever happened to me” feeling that people say you’re supposed to feel when you have a child.

I’ve dealt with depression for more than half my life, long enough to know that this is indeed PPD. But I guess I either don’t want to admit it, or am just hoping it will go away on its own. My husband is very supportive and he’s been a great dad so far. I mentioned to him a couple weeks ago that I was a little depressed, but after that night I started feeling better. I don’t want to tell him that I’m starting to feel sad again because he is dealing with his own mental health issues (unrelated to baby). I don’t want to add to his stress and make him worry about me. He has enough on his plate.

Is it wrong for me to want to go back to life when it was just my husband and I, and our dog? Is having a child really supposed to be the best thing that’s ever happened to me? Part of me feels like I should never have become a mom, but it’s far too late for that now.

I hope I feel better soon. I hope one day I’ll feel like my son is the best thing that ever happened to me. I hope I’ll feel like I’m a good mom, eventually.