Hi. This is my very first time posting in this forum. I want to hear some input on whether I’m asking too much to have a closed relationship with my boyfriend and another person. This will be long because I want to give you sufficient context. Thank you for reading everything that I typed out.

From the moment I had a closed online vee relationship with an established couple around my age 5 years ago, I have always wanted to build a life with a couple in the romantic sense and become a closed triad together. However, I hadn’t found that for the past 4 years. During that time, I ended up dating two monogamous people (one male and one female) instead. Those relationships didn’t work out because something about the solely 1-1 and no one else relationship structure wasn’t working for me, not because I fell out of love with them. I find myself yearning for a romantic network between myself and my (former) partners that turned ugly at some point of us mingling together.

In addition, I have gotten back to being a practicing Catholic a year ago because I’ve realised the religion’s importance to me after I graduated from Christian schools. So far, it’s really hard to find someone who both identifies as a practicing Abrahamic religious person and is willing to have this type of relationship. Some potential dates have found my dealbreakers (no smoking, no unnatural hair dye, no drugs, no cussing, no religious intolerance) unbearable and walked away from me, which I understand, but it feels disheartening nonetheless, especially since it’s really hard to find someone who is polyamorous, religious, and is willing to have a greater enmeshment with me (let alone now with my boyfriend).

My online boyfriend (a Muslim) got with me, knowing that I have polyamorous desires and will want to have a girlfriend eventually. I got with him, knowing that he’s happily dating only me and doesn’t feel like dating anyone else (I give him the choice to date others, he chooses not to). Turns out he was trying to convince me that “we don't necessarily have to act on all desires and can't expect every need to be met. Having me, kids and your work and social relationships can already fill your cup that you wouldn't be as interested or long for another partner” (directly quoted from his texts). I started to feel caged with just the two of us, and our disagreements over polyamory has led to a temporary breakup for me to explore connections with existing couples, to see if it works better for me than being with him. While I was briefly single a month ago, I went on various dating apps, forums and platforms. A few couples sought for me (I’m a girl) before I found a couple whose life goals are so close to the ideal I wanted that I was really excited to have my future with them. The only reason why it didn’t work out was because the live-in couple were very busy during the day, and I was 7 time zones ahead of them.

Around a week after the temporary breakup happened, my boyfriend has decided that having a lifelong relationship with me is more important to him than anything else, and we have gotten back together because I’ve felt the same about wanting him to be an integral part of my personal life. When we had our time apart, he has chosen to compromise on monogamy and let us have a girl around, if that’s what I want (which I do), and he’s willing to give a closed triad a try, like how I’ve wished. If it doesn’t work, it can be a vee relationship. While I’m having a fulfilling long-term relationship and I can envision spending my life with him, I still genuinely feel like something is missing for me romantically, in the sense that I crave for this in a same-sex connection too. I am becoming desperate to have this connection with someone around our age from a different culture than either of us who desires the same things as us both in life (for details, check my profile’s posts), but having him there means more dealbreakers (no trans amab people, no people with many tattoos piercings, no alcohol and no religious intolerance). I’m also concerned that he may be pushing himself to accept this about me to spend his life with me, though he’s insisted that I’m not forcing him to do this.

I can sense that the pool has narrowed down from how it’s a lot less successful for me to find a potential date now. Lots of people in this forum says that you need to develop a close friendship first, but I really want to find someone who is genuinely invested in what I’m looking for, and I don’t want to keep on hoping that the “right one” will hop in after waiting for so long. By default, people around me are so conservative about polyamorous dating relationships that a closed triad wouldn’t be considered at all, had it not been for me actively pursuing them online. The hardest part is that I don’t want this to be a dirty secret that I won’t ever meet or live together with. Someone approached me for a discreet relationship yesterday and I decided to pass. A good match that’s a trans girl approached me a few days ago, and my boyfriend’s decided to pass, making her decide not to date me because he doesn’t want to date her.

I don’t know if I’m being self-centred to obsess over having a triad for myself, my boyfriend and a partner while we’re still in the online long distance phase, before my boyfriend and I establish ours in real life. I don’t know if that means I’m unicorn hunting because my boyfriend and I are both willing to reshape our relationship to include a new girlfriend, but are we being too specific together? My boyfriend told me to pause the search, but I’ve paused it so many times in the past that l want to find it once and for all. What should I do? Please give me advice and reassurance!