What’s to start in writing, a blank canvas so inviting, but harder still to fill

Within that beautiful lighting is intimidating blankness, stunting any growth that is to fill.

My story is no different from others, and I am not special, this world takes all that is beautiful, and to myself that is truer still.

I don’t want to go on, but I can’t leave outside of my time.

I wish my family hated me, so that it would be easier to leave,

I hoped to never make friends as these, so that my end could finally be eased.

Fighting in the dark is no breeze, no end in sight to be gleaned, even if the door is right there I couldn’t have seen

Fighting in the dark, no direction given so I stumble around Unable to reach those family and friends I had found

I can’t see them, I can’t see myself, I can’t see the enemy, so I crawl until there’s no health

No vigor to my bones, no tension to tie between my tendons

Nothing exists anymore, this dark is everlasting I wish I didn’t have anyone, so that their sorrow may be weaned

This is not a poem, but a mere string of throughts Thrown together out of spite against that blank screen

I want to be creative, I want to mean something I want to be remembered, I want to live

But that voice… That voice does not, or more so it does not care if I do or die

If I lose or gain, if I heal or sink; It knows best, that I am it and it is I

That it has been will be and is me, That I cannot escape it, but that it believes I need it

Push me down to die, it cares not. To kill it, to leave it, to heal from it is to kill the host too

But I don’t want to die

I want my life back, I do

But it’s a lot harder to do than it is to say, However still, I press on

Crawling through the dark, As if it is a home I always knew, In the hope that if home is manifested it will become true

Hands carefully swiped across the ground, Until my prints graze against the people who have become my ground

I have not found them yet

Yet

I will continue, I will go on, I will crawl until I may kneel, I will kneel until I may walk, I will walk until I may see, And when I see I will finally be free