This post is a combination of personal feelings and experiences combined with some philosophical/general ways that I think about fatness that might be helpful to others too. It's also just stuff I want to get off my chest.

Content notification - discussion of weight loss in a general way as part of a larger topic, no specific numbers mentioned. Passing mention of eating disorder.

I personally don't agree/feel comfortable with the idea, for myself at least, that it doesn't matter what weight I am and I should celebrate my body the way it is and abandon any desire or hope of losing weight. There are certain problems that I experience in a larger body that I would rather not have.

For example, not being able to as easily inspect parts of my body when I have a rash or pain (like to see if it's an insect bite or weird pimple or what). Increased chafing and accumulation of dead skin between folds of flesh, with accompanying smells (even when practicing the same hygiene routines as always). Not being able to reach parts of my body I used to be able to for washing or self-massage. There are others I won't mention because they are more complicated and not just about weight, although it is a factor. Even that last one also relates to flexibility, but there's certain parts of my body I don't think I could get around at their current size even if I were more flexible.

At the same time, I don't agree that weight loss is as easy as CICO and self-control. I have tried to lose weight in ways that led to increased weight gain and borderline eating disorder territory. This was even part of a program that was covered by insurance! I agree there are big issues with how society at large and the medical and fitness industries relate to weight and weight loss. Shaming is not helpful and it is good to be as comfortable as possible (mentally/emotionally) in the body I have even if I don't want it to always be this way. I even recognize that I may never lose weight because it might not be something that is possible for me given my specific life circumstances (income, environment, energy levels, motivation/focus, genes, microbiome, whatever). And I want to find peace with that, but not a false peace that depends on lying to myself about my real discomforts with my body.

For a long time I felt like I had to choose between on the one hand the conventional idea that being overweight is bad and I need to "diet and exercise" to lose weight, and I should not accept my body as it is, or on the other hand that I don't need to lose weight and should accept and celebrate my body at any size it is, and embrace the idea that any discomfort I have with my body is just internalized fatphobia from society, rather than my own real feelings.

Neither of these ideological camps have been helpful to me, and I have been stuck in ideological limbo, where because I can't fully commit to either ideology I can't move forward with relating to my body in an intentional way.

A while ago I heard the term "body neutrality" as an alternative to "body positivity." I liked this term because it is about accepting one's body while also recognizing it's limitations and your own discomforts with it, as it was explained to me.

I've been thinking about that concept, and other terms that might be even more precise. Like "body equanimity": maintaining mental peace within oneself even as one's body both meets and doesn't meet needs in different ways, whether it seems "good" or "bad."

Or one I like even more: "body complexity." Recognizing that bodies are complex. They meet our needs, if we are still here we are breathing and our hearts are beating. They allow us to even exist and communicate with each other. My body still allows me to walk and go on hikes, even if I don't have the stamina I used to. But it also limits me and produces uncomfortable experiences too. It is neither all positive nor all negative.

It seems like such an obvious concept when I state it, but it seems like culturally there is a bifurcation around fat bodies. So many people think of fat bodies as all negative, that there is this backlash/polarization of only wanting to think of them as positive. And again, neither of these matches my experience.

I recently left a weight loss sub and came here to find a more supportive environment. But after lurking here a few days (well, is it lurking if I did am introduction post?) am worried that I will now be asked to deny the complexity of my bodily experience and claim it all as positive, just as in other spaces I am expected to deride it all as negative.

I ask that if you see my around the sub sharing anything personal that I experience in my body that I don't like, and happen to recognize my username, that you don't tell me it's all just internalized fat phobia from society.

And if it is helpful to you to use any of these terms, please do so.

To be clear, if there is some specific problem that I have about being in a bigger body that doesn't bother you that much, I'm not saying it should. This stuff is unique to each individual. I imagine that for some, any issues that come up with having a bigger body are not that big of a deal. But for me, some of these experience are really frustrating, or saddening, or otherwise uncomfortable. I grieve having more ease in my body in some ways.

I'd really like to be in a space where these experiences and issues can be talked about without things being simplified down to the sound bytes of "if you don't like it, change it!" Or "it's all just society's fat phobia." I hope there are others who would find this supportive too, and that we can connect. If this sounds like you, please do reach out/respond!

Edited to add: I got one response from someone who I have now blocked saying "the new fats are really something...maybe fat spaces are not where you belong." OUCH, and also, FUCK YOU. I made it super clear that I am speaking for myself and not anyone else, which you couldn't hear because of your reactivity and projection. So much for a safe space. I don't know how active the mods are on here but I have reported this comment and hope this person gets a warning that behavior like that will not be tolerated in this sub.