I was recently talking with a friend and asked about a friend of ours who is known for being very friendly and genuine. She offhandedly said "he knows you have a crush on him," which stumped me because, damn, even I didn't know that! No, but seriously, I have never thought of him in that way. Sure, I like him more than the rest of the men's team, but I've just always had a special place in my heart for him because he always takes time to have genuine interaction with me, and I tend to cling to the people who make me feel comfortable. I felt so embarrassed that my stomach hurt, and I dissociated and ended up leaving the event very shortly after.

I know it was a harmless comment, but it made me feel so insecure and embarrassed. Firstly, because I feel like there's this societal assumption that fat women have a crush on anyone who is nice to them, but also because if we're nice to someone we have to be interested in the them. Beyond that, I feel like it wouldn't be a funny little joke if I were not fat, and just some pretty girl that might have a crush. It feels so humiliating to exist in this body and be perceived by non-fat people. I know a lot of this is insecurity, but a small part of it is reality, the part where I feel like it would be a cute thing and not a joke if I were pretty. The worst part is that this guy is someone who made me feel so comfortable, accepted, and normal, and I hate feeling like the illusion is shattered and knowing that he thinks of me like that, you know? It has kind of ruined both the people and the shared space in general for me, because I feel like I'll no longer be able to feel comfortable there.