It’s the holy week and everybody deserves grace. Trust me I really wanted us to make it. I wanted them to be wrong about you. I wanted every “I told you so” to turn to a celebratory smile. I wanted to prove that your reputation wasn’t what others have said. Maybe I’ve given up too soon. In fact, I know you’re capable of becoming the best version of yourself, I saw a glimpse of it (minus the lies, cheating and manipulation).

And Yes, I need a hard reminder not to wait for the respect I deserved this whole time. I didn’t know being with you, would also mean falling on the ground so often, only to be kicked every time I got to my knees. I can’t just wait and see if you’ll truly and finally choose us. The cost is hurting me to get there.

In spite of it all, I forgive you. I forgive you for the person you were. You know, I didn’t deserve to be lied to, be manipulated and belittled. You see, I valued the good days we had because I was so glad it wasn’t a bad one. And you have your way with words which would keep me on the edge, but mostly those words turned to empty promises. You preferred affection and gifts instead of talking through a concern. And while I thought we were clear about us, you were still on with your unfaithfulness. While I didn’t deserve those, I tolerated them for a bit. And I really could not make that a norm.

I want you to know I forgive you for all of it. And I apologize if I need to cut all the lines of communication because I know that If I’d let you in, I’ll whole heartedly give us that chance to be together. Yes, countless chances. Despite forgiving you, I can’t sit here and wait for you to choose us, not because of convenience, not because I am near you. I can’t go on a daily basis feeling unsure if you’re truly happy with your decision.

I stopped playing this game a long time ago. But give me time to process everything. I am not ready to say goodbye yet but until then, forgive me for requiring this space and silence too.