Naalala mo ba dasal mo kay God noon?

Gusto mo ng special person sa buhay mo kasi sabi mo pagod ka na magisa and masakit na.

I read the letter you sent me when you still loved me, back when your brain was not yet overreacting. I read it and felt that at some point in time, you did love me.

I remembered how happy you were when I sent you teddysaur.

It pains me sometimes kasi I remembered na parang you're looking for reasons not to love me. Kahit na sabi mo, you would love a person including the flaws. You even said na hindi mo pala kaya panindigan lahat ng sinabi mo sa akin, and you must have been comparing me to your past. And then you blocked me. Your last words crushed me. How would you feel if I did that to you?

You used to tell me I have beautiful brown eyes, you used to ask me why do I keep getting prettier? And the fact na I grew up being admired by people around me, you were the first person to make me feel small. But I reminded myself that it is your brain telling you these things.

And then you said you'd rather be alone. And I wonder until when? When you start longing for someone again, will you enter another trauma bond na hindi mo matakasan?

It's weird kasi your brain keeps you away from love pero it keeps you trapped in toxicity. And then you think na all that anxiety and attachment you felt in a trauma bond was love.

I was imperfect and expressed my anger but I never disrespected you or manipulated you. I made mistakes and that was when I did not understand your attachment wounds.

And yet I understand na you just wanted love and for a few months, I made you feel that love, until your traumas and demons just brutally took you away from me, and I was helpless as you turned into this stranger who pushed me away.

It is okay to want love and it is okay to accept that your traumas have an impact on you and you need help, and that it is okay to not be okay.