So for some back story -

I started my PhD back in November 2020, a very difficult time to start. No in person meetings, no socialising, stuck at home all the time. Things gradually opened up but people had got so used to working from home and the office I was put in was a small one so really there was no point going in - I'd see maybe one other person if that. Not worth the time and diesel.

I've had health issues that have seriously hampered my progress. My supervisory team is quite frankly amazing - so supportive and patient. But at my most recent progress review, it was decided that I will MPhil out - my main supervisor wanted me to take a break and come back when I was feeling better, but the rest of the staff involved agreed that that wasn't in my best interests and that they had a duty of care towards me.

Anyway, I have come to the realisation that this PhD experience has left me utterly broken and really lonely! I just cannot face being stuck behind my desk, on my own, any longer. I have to, but after a couple of days of it, I can feel my mental health slipping. As my funding has run out, I am doing casual work at the uni (generally helping undergraduates with practicals etc) and I love that - I get to see people, I get to leave the house, I get to talk to people. Sitting at my desk has become the most depressing thing imaginable. Earlier this year I had a job at a supermarket - the work was fairly boring and the pay rubbish, but it's the happiest I've been in years!

In the last month or so I've had personal issues that knocked for me for six for a couple of weeks. My supervisor again has been super supportive. But I'm just struggling to get back to my work. I have very little interest in it, am totally burnt out, feel just so emotionally spent, due to the health issues have huge trouble focusing, and it just makes me so lonely and sad. I have a husband and kids so I feel silly feeling lonely, but I am! I don't think I can do a desk job any more - I need to be active, get out of the house and see other people while I work.

It all came to a head yesterday and me and my husband had a long chat, and we agreed that, given that I am unlikely to ever need or want to use this MPhil, and how unhappy it is making me, I should just quit. And it's like a weight off my shoulders!

Now I've just got to tell my supervisor. I asked to see her in person but she is away all this week, so I think I'll have to do it by email. Which is less than ideal.

But it's such a relief!