Everyone says grief comes in waves and right now the tide is high. This past weekend I had friends over for a housewarming party. A few of which got to see our beloved Shi Shi at our old apartment. They reasonably asked where she was and we had to mention that she had passed back in July. It was easy enough to just bring it up, take the "I'm sorry for your loss" that they would dole out and keep going with the party.

But today for some reason I was wishing that I could share our new place with her. She never got to see it here. And with all the stairs I'd hear her little collar ringing whenever she'd follow me. And I miss her so much. I keep telling myself as much as her death could've been prevented by her never contracting it in the first place (fuck you ticks, and Lyme disease), it was also maybe the best way she could've passed. It wasn't traumatic, and she had my mother there to take care of her. She could've passed in so many worse ways. At worse times. But it doesn't make me wish she was here any less.

I miss you little baby dog. It's hard to think about coming back to family and you not being there to welcome me. Well, I guess you would be there. But as your ashes on the mantle. Not the tail-wagging, lap-sitting friend I've known for so long. I wish you could see it here. There's so many neighborhood dogs that you would bark at out the window and shy away from when you met them outside. So much sunlight for you to sunbathe in. And another roommate here! Someone else that you'd have to play with.

I miss you. My boyfriend misses you. Our families miss you. We miss you. I'm sorry me and my partner couldn't be there for your passing. We still hope you knew how much we loved you. I wish you could've stayed forever.