I knew this time would come eventually, he was 16 years old and had arthritis for years. He always was a big grey cat, but had started steadily losing weight despite eating well, probably since December.

Two weeks ago, his health took a pretty sudden turn south and bloodwork showed his kidneys were failing on him faster than we expected, and a heart murmur had shown up. His arthritic back legs suddenly didn't do all he asked of them all of the time. But he still had good days, waking me up at 6am for breakfast, eating well, bossing me around, snuggling up for pets, purring when I picked him up. So I wasn't prepared when he suddenly staggered out of the litter box and fell on his side, struggling for breath. Heart attack, we think.

He came out of it enough in the cab ride to the emergency vet to blink up at the sun and at me and put his head on my belly through the carrier wall. I pet him through the top flap and told him not to go this way, it's not fair.

The doc said we could try to treat the heart but it would likely make his kidneys fail at this stage. It was time, he had fought hard enough to stay with me a while longer. So I made the decision to say goodbye. I kissed him on the head twice and told him he was the best boy a girl could ask for, and held his paw and stroked his head as he fell asleep.

That was Thursday morning, and now I'm a fucking mess. I don't know how to exist without him, he was my whole heart. I got him when I was a 25-year-old idiot getting started on my childfree cat lady dreams, I've never been an adult without him. The house feels wrong and I don't know what to do with the part of my brain that's gotten used to worrying about him all day.

I've experienced loss before, but this one just feels so overwhelming and heavy. I know time is the only answer but fuck, it's moving so slowly without him. And I don't want to get farther away from the time he existed. I don't want to forget the tone of his meows or his clicks on the hardwood or the sound he made when woken up. This is the worst pain and I can't hug my boy to make it better.

I hope all of us endure this well, for them, but man it fucking sucks. Love to all going through it - we're here because we got to experience big love.