it's been almost a week. i said goodbye to my sweet cat son last sunday. part of me doesn't want to move on or get used to life without him near me. it feels like he's drifting away from me. i think part of it is that my memory isn't great; i think that due to trauma i've endured, my brain erases memories so i hurt less when i experience loss. but i don't want to lose these memories. i have lots of pictures and videos so that helps, but soon my memories of him won't feel so fresh. i'll have to look at pics/videos to remember him and i hate that. i feel so far away from my childhood dog i said goodbye to 3 years ago. i look at old pics and videos of her and it feels like another lifetime. i pet the bit of fur i have from my cat but it's not the same as petting him. i miss interacting with him and hearing him talk back to me. i miss the way he would greet me at the door and know when i was coming home from work. i miss the way he would follow me around and always want to cuddle and lay on my lap. i miss his purrs. it hurts so bad. yesterday while washing dishes i thought i saw him walk past me out of the corner of my eye, twice. maybe it really was him coming to check on me. i don't believe in heaven exactly but i believe in something. i don't think he's completely gone but not having him with me is so hard and life without him feels empty.