i said goodbye to him yesterday morning and took a long walk with my roommate/friend. i feel like yesterday was slightly easier because it almost felt like “oh, he’s just gone temporarily” like he’s at the vet or something. but this morning the pain was so intense when i came to terms with him not being on my bed with me. i kept patting the empty spaces where he would sleep, cuddled up next to me, while saying his name over and over and crying. i felt so panicked. i don’t want to accept that he’s not here anymore. i keep thinking that he’s going to emerge from under the bed and jump up, that he’s going to open the door, that i’m going to see him in the hallway. his absence is so loud. i just don’t want to accept this new reality. i just want it to be a bad dream. i look at pics and videos before he started getting sick and i want to dive into them and live there instead of here.